Question:
> LOL, both put a smile on my face, thanks!
Glad that you enjoyed it 
Response:
LOL, both put a smile on my face, thanks! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > A chubby bloke was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his > doctor > has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an > advertisement for > a "Guaranteed" weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck" he thinks to > himself. "But let’s see what they think they can do. He calls them on > the phone > and subscribes to the 3-day, 10-pound weight loss program. > The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there > stands > before him a > voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of > Nike’s > and a signhanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a > representative > of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you > can have > me." Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles > later, > huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. > After > they are through, he thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this > company > does business." > For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens > each > time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost > 10 > pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to > mention > the method of "treatment," he calls the company back and subscribes to > their 5- > day, 20-pound weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in > only 5 > days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their "workout" > schedule > might be like this time. > As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he > answers it, > there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of > Reebok’s > and a sign around her neck. She is simply stunning and the most > beautiful woman > he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the > weight loss > company. The sign reads "If you can catch me, you can have me." He’s out > the > door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to > catch > her. But when he does it is worth every cramp and wheeze. > He is really looking forward to the next four days….For the next four > days, > the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his > delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has > lost > another 20 pounds. "I love this company," he thinks to himself, "I never > knew > losing weight could be so easy and so much fun!" > Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and > subscribe to > the company’s 7-day, 50-pound weight loss > program. "Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. > "This is > our most rigorous program." > "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven’t felt this good in > years!" > The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically > answers > it. There stands before him a 200-pound perfect specimen of a man > dressed in > nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces > himself as > a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can > catch you, I can have you." > THE JOKE THAT SPARES NOBODY: Speeding > A blonde was driving down a highway and all of a sudden a cop sitting on > the > road side turns on his flashing red lights. The blonde seeing the red > lights > pulls over to the side of the road and waits for the cop. > When the cop gets there he says to the blonde, "Lady you were doing 43 > miles > per hour in a 30 mile an hour zone." > The blonde says, "No I wasn’t. The sign back there said 43." > To this the cop snaps back, "Lady, look … that was a highway number > sign, > this is highway 43 and your doing 43 miles an hour in a 30 mile an hour > zone." > The blonde repeats her story again claiming she was not speeding. The > cop > scratches his head and returns to his car to ask his bald partner what > he > should do. > After telling his bald partner the story, his partner says, "Bill, you > better > give her a ticket. The 401 is just up ahead and then we’ll never catch > her."
Response:
A chubby bloke was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a "Guaranteed" weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck" he thinks to himself. "But let’s see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3-day, 10-pound weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike’s and a signhanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through, he thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to mention the method of "treatment," he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5- day, 20-pound weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their "workout" schedule might be like this time. As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it, there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok’s and a sign around her neck. She is simply stunning and the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads "If you can catch me, you can have me." He’s out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does it is worth every cramp and wheeze. He is really looking forward to the next four days….For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. "I love this company," he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun!" Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company’s 7-day, 50-pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven’t felt this good in years!" The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200-pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you." THE JOKE THAT SPARES NOBODY: Speeding A blonde was driving down a highway and all of a sudden a cop sitting on the road side turns on his flashing red lights. The blonde seeing the red lights pulls over to the side of the road and waits for the cop. When the cop gets there he says to the blonde, "Lady you were doing 43 miles per hour in a 30 mile an hour zone." The blonde says, "No I wasn’t. The sign back there said 43." To this the cop snaps back, "Lady, look … that was a highway number sign, this is highway 43 and your doing 43 miles an hour in a 30 mile an hour zone." The blonde repeats her story again claiming she was not speeding. The cop scratches his head and returns to his car to ask his bald partner what he should do. After telling his bald partner the story, his partner says, "Bill, you better give her a ticket. The 401 is just up ahead and then we’ll never catch her."
Response:
The other day I wrote a shortened account of something that actually happened to me. I was hoping for a reply, but maybe you didn’t see it. Here it is again. When it comes to women and matters of the heart, my name is Moby Stupid. I have a friend of many years, who happens to be of the female persuasion, say to me when I told her about my AD’s side effects of decreased libido: "Good! Now maybe you’ll stop thinking with your little head all the time, and start thinking with your big head", poking her finger on the side of that thing that holds my face. For this friend of mine to say that to me at just that point in time made quite a dramatic impact on me, and I was stunned into silence. "Naaaaahhh. Never happen", I shot back. "Why not?" she asked. "Because! The Little General would just go to the submarine races." Is it just me, or does anyone else find this funny? When I wrote it I started laughing almost uncontrollably, and thought for sure someone will make at least a passing comment on it. I guess what I thought was funny about it was how the psychological aspect of sex (for men at least) seems to have a mind of its own. A subliminal mind, represented by the reference to water (a symbol of the subconscious mind in dreams) and submarine races ( activity, but beneath the surface, out of sight, going on while the above ground creatures merrily pursue there boring daily routine, unaware of the unseen.) What I meant when I said " the Little General would just go to the submarine races." was that if I didn’t express the thoughts of my little head in normal little head ways, then the Little General will find other subconscious ways of being heard. For me part of it manifested as intense frustration, and general irritability, but not knowing why or where it was coming from. Excuse me while my brain farts … tropeau
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > The other day I wrote a shortened account of something that actually > happened to me. > I was hoping for a reply, but maybe you didn’t see it. > Here it is again. > When it comes to women and matters of the heart, my name is Moby Stupid. > I have a friend of many years, who happens to be of the female persuasion, > say to me when I told her about my AD’s side effects of decreased libido: > "Good! Now maybe you’ll stop thinking with your little head all the time, > and > start thinking with your big head", poking her finger on the side of that > thing that holds my face. > For this friend of mine to say that to me at just that point in time made > quite a dramatic impact on me, and I was stunned into silence. > "Naaaaahhh. Never happen", I shot back. > "Why not?" she asked. > "Because! The Little General would just go to the submarine races." > Is it just me, or does anyone else find this funny? > When I wrote it I started laughing almost uncontrollably, and thought for > sure someone will make at least a passing comment on it.
i guess its just an inside joke!!! ;))))))) my bf is obsessed with his ‘little general’ i dont know why…… so im kind of inured….. he can work the word ‘penis’ into a conversation more times a day than anyone else ive ever met…. if someone says, ‘whats that noise?’ he’ll say "my penis?" "where did *that* come from?" "my penis!" on the taco bell commercials he changes the song to "my penis….. my penis….." instead of "gorditas gorditas" its kinda funny. i enjoy the penis and its peculiarities. > I guess what I thought was funny about it was how the psychological aspect > of sex (for men at least) seems to have a mind of its own. A subliminal > mind, represented by the reference to water (a symbol of the subconscious > mind in dreams) and submarine races ( activity, but beneath the surface, > out of sight, going on while the above ground creatures merrily pursue there > boring daily routine, unaware of the unseen.)
jamies penis has its own email account, and frequently plots against my bf. just cant trust the little buggers. > What I meant when I said " the Little General would just go to the submarine > races." > was that if I didn’t express the thoughts of my little head in normal little > head ways, then the Little General will find other subconscious ways of > being heard. For me part of it manifested as intense frustration, and > general irritability, but not knowing why or where it was coming from.
penises get passive aggressive too. anyway, i thought it was funny. anna > Excuse me while my brain farts … > tropeau
– "blessed am i to dwell in this beautiful temple."
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->my bf is obsessed with his ‘little general’ i dont know why…… >so im kind of inured….. >he can work the word ‘penis’ into a conversation more times a day than >anyone else ive ever met…. if someone says, ‘whats that noise?’ he’ll >say "my penis?" >"where did *that* come from?" >"my penis!" >on the taco bell commercials he changes the song to "my penis….. my >penis….." instead of "gorditas gorditas" >its kinda funny. i enjoy the penis and its peculiarities. >jamies penis has its own email account, and frequently plots against my >bf. just cant trust the little buggers. >anyway, i thought it was funny. >anna
Anna I see your bf’s little general used to hang out at that dive called the Harry Palms It was a real popular place for young adolescent males. Your bf sounds like he has himself well in …er…um… hand. (much humor intended only) tropeau
Response:
> Anna > I see your bf’s little general used to hang out at that dive called the > Harry Palms > It was a real popular place for young adolescent males. > Your bf sounds like he has himself well in …er…um… hand. > (much humor intended only)
no doubt. its kinda funny. thing is, usually guys who talk about it all the time are losers… hes the only one ive met who can back it up you can brag about your cannon if ya know how to shoot if ya know what i means ))))) i know jamies penis would turn on jamie in a second though. its a tricky little bugger with a devious little attitude of its own. it never listens to a damn thing he says. it longs to be rid of ‘the big stupid one’ so it can strike out on its own. its like pinky and the brain, ever watch that cartoon?? "what are we gonna to today, brain???" "same thing as every week, TAKE OVER THE WORLD…" anna > tropeau
– "blessed am i to dwell in this beautiful temple."
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >no doubt. its kinda funny. thing is, usually guys who talk about it all >the time are losers… hes the only one ive met who can back it up >you can brag about your cannon if ya know how to shoot if ya know what i >means ))))) >i know jamies penis would turn on jamie in a second though. its a >tricky little bugger with a devious little attitude of its own. it never >listens to a damn thing he says. it longs to be rid of ‘the big stupid >one’ so it can strike out on its own. >its like pinky and the brain, ever watch that cartoon?? "what are we >gonna to today, brain???" "same thing as every week, TAKE OVER THE >WORLD…" >anna
Wow! You really do understand the very inner workings of that devious little mind! I’m impressed! funny, funny stuff!!!
Response:
I guess I need to ramble here. About humor. About how it has saved my life so many times. How I have used it to save me in so many ways. I’ve used humor as a weapon to save me. Those were the bad old days. When I had to protect my fragile self. It felt so good to laugh. It was a different laugh from the one that I laugh today. It was the laughter of victory, I think. It was the laughter of someone who had just escaped death. Sarcasm and satire would probably be the term I would use here. Black humor, the kind that makes you laugh from the depths of the pit. A life saving thing at the time. Then I had to use humor as an escape. Those were pretty bad days too. Detachment from real feelings … lost in a fun world … I remember the first time I laughed after my brain melted in my head … it was at an experience that my brother told me about (Gawd I love him for that moment), and the second time I laughed that hard was months later when I saw the movie, "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles." I will never ever forget that moment either. It felt so good to be able to laugh. ))) I’ve so appreciated humor since that time. I feel it has VALUE. Just so much value. This is why I appreciated Jim Tousignant. It’s why I appreciate so many people that I’ve met on the ng’s … I have to admit. With all of the people I have met in my lifetime (don’t even try to add them up), I have never met funnier people than I have on the depression ng’s and in my family (all depressives). It’s like depressives feel things so intensely that they can relate stories in a humorous way that are SO ON THE MARK, that it hits the very heart of even those who have never experienced real depression. It’s like depressives have lived every single bad moment known to mankind and when they can put a funny spin on it … the whole world can relate because even normies have to grieve, get angry, feel fearful. I just don’t know how to express the gratitude that I feel towards every single person who has ever made me laugh. I just don’t know how to thank them. Can’t make them feel what I feel. So all I can do is say… Thank you. That is all. Anne — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
Ya know Anne… You sure do have a way with words. I agree with you about the comments you made about the people you have met on asd and asdr. They have changed my life where now I can honestly say that I have a future again. There were many times when I was in doubt. And yes humor is the best meds you could ever take to help fight this depression that we all have. My dear friend Kimberly showed me this 18 months ago. She pulled me out of one of the deepest pits that I was ever in. Most of my friends that I now have I’ve met online, mostly on asd. And even now, when life is actually enjoyable again they are still the ones that mean the most to me. That is why it hurts me so much to hear that Jim has passed away. I was going to visit Gale and Jim this summer. Now I will just be visiting Gale. It’s sad to see what life does to us sometimes. But we must all move on. Jim would have wanted it that way. So anyway Anne, again you have given us some of your wisdom. Something I will always cherish. Take care hon. And everyone on asd and asdr… just remember that things will get better. You may not think they will but I have been there and I have seen what life has to offer. And it is more then you could ever imagine. Love ya all, Paul – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >I guess I need to ramble here. >About humor. >About how it has saved my life so many times. How I have used it to >save me in so many ways. >I’ve used humor as a weapon to save me. Those were the bad old days. >When I had to protect my fragile self. It felt so good to laugh. It >was a different laugh from the one that I laugh today. It was the >laughter of victory, I think. It was the laughter of someone who had >just escaped death. Sarcasm and satire would probably be the term I >would use here. Black humor, the kind that makes you laugh from the >depths of the pit. A life saving thing at the time. >Then I had to use humor as an escape. Those were pretty bad days too. >Detachment from real feelings … lost in a fun world … I remember >the first time I laughed after my brain melted in my head … it was >at an experience that my brother told me about (Gawd I love him for >that moment), and the second time I laughed that hard was months later >when I saw the movie, "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles." I will never >ever forget that moment either. It felt so good to be able to laugh. >:-)))) >I’ve so appreciated humor since that time. I feel it has VALUE. Just >so much value. >This is why I appreciated Jim Tousignant. It’s why I appreciate so >many people that I’ve met on the ng’s … >I have to admit. >With all of the people I have met in my lifetime (don’t even try to >add them up), I have never met funnier people than I have on the >depression ng’s and in my family (all depressives). >It’s like depressives feel things so intensely that they can relate >stories in a humorous way that are SO ON THE MARK, that it hits the >very heart of even those who have never experienced real depression. >It’s like depressives have lived every single bad moment known to >mankind and when they can put a funny spin on it … the whole world >can relate because even normies have to grieve, get angry, feel >fearful. >I just don’t know how to express the gratitude that I feel towards >every single person who has ever made me laugh. I just don’t know >how to thank them. Can’t make them feel what I feel. So all I can do >is say… >Thank you. >That is all. >Anne >– >For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
Another Old Golfer "How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack’s wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went." "But you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?" "But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot." Re: HOSTAGES A group of Arab Terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour. Bill’s pages: http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16 http://members.xoom.com/bs16/ 1. Addicted Internet Junkie ! ! ! ! 1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy—–for a year!!!!!" 2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control. 3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL." 4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ……instead of ICU! 5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes. 6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer. 7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car. 8. Tech support calls YOU for help. 9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out." 10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza. 11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it. 12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing. 13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said. 14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago. 15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to. 16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy. 17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile. 19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on. 20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. 21. …..You end your sentences with…..three or more periods……. 22. Your shoes are suddenly 2 sizes too small. 23. You think faster than the computer. <—-Not difficult for me 24. You enter a group and get greeted by 10 people with {{{hugs}}}. 25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you. 26. You’re on the phone and say LOL. 27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes. 28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this…."BRB. Leave your S/N and I’ll TTYL ASAP". 29. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead. 30. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life.
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The rich industrialist from the North was horrified to find the southern fisherman lying lazily beside his boat, smoking a pipe. "Why aren’t you out fishing?" said the industrialist. "Because I have caught enough fish for the day," said the fisherman. "Why don’t you catch some more?" "What would I do with them?" "You could earn more money," was the industrialist’s reply. "With that you could have a motor fixed to your boat and go into deeper waters and catch more fish. Then you would make enough to buy nylon nets. These would bring you more fish and more money. Soon you would have enough money to own two boats . . . maybe even a fleet of boats. Then you would be a rich man like me." "What would I do then?" asked the fisherman. "Then you could really enjoy life." "What do you think I am doing right now?"
Response:
>>A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients ><http://www.listbot.com/subscribe/PainSupportList> >Join our Pain Support List,just click on the link above >To join us in chat the ICQ#15222572,the link to download ICQ ><http://www.icq.com> >My homepage ><http://www.expage.com/page/PainSupport/>
Don’t Forget The Door to Exam Room: "To expedite our clinical process, please provide the examining physician with a correct diagnosis prior to treatment." Or the Door on the HMO Exam Room; "Please Diagnose Yourself" (they won’t even pay for a good sign)
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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients > 1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. > Involvement with the patient’s suffering might cause him to lose >valuable > scientific objectivity. > 2. Be cheerful at all times!! > Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the >gentleness > and reassurance he can get. > 3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. > Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. > 4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. > You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into > the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent > disability you may have experienced. > 5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing >it. > It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be > explained in terms that you would understand. > 6. Submit to novel, experimental treatment readily. > Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting >research > paper will surely be of widespread interest. > 7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. > You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, >to > the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. > 8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford. > It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your >means. > 9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the > course of treatment by your doctor. > The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a > sacred duty to protect him from exposure. > 10. Never die while in your doctor’s presence or under his direct care. > This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. >– ><http://www.listbot.com/subscribe/PainSupportList> >Join our Pain Support List,just click on the link above >To join us in chat the ICQ#15222572,the link to download ICQ ><http://www.icq.com> >My homepage ><http://www.expage.com/page/PainSupport/>
About a hundred of them.
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– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients > 1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. > Involvement with the patient’s suffering might cause him to lose >valuable > scientific objectivity. > 2. Be cheerful at all times!! > Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the >gentleness > and reassurance he can get. > 3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. > Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. > 4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. > You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into > the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent > disability you may have experienced. > 5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. > It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be > explained in terms that you would understand. > 6. Submit to novel, experimental treatment readily. > Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research > paper will surely be of widespread interest. > 7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. > You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to > the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. > 8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford. > It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. > 9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the > course of treatment by your doctor. > The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a > sacred duty to protect him from exposure. > 10. Never die while in your doctor’s presence or under his direct care. > This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
– <http://www.listbot.com/subscribe/PainSupportList> Join our Pain Support List,just click on the link above To join us in chat the ICQ#15222572,the link to download ICQ <http://www.icq.com> My homepage <http://www.expage.com/page/PainSupport/>
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Toddler Miracle Diet! The trouble with most diets is: 1. you don’t get enough to eat (the starvation diet) 2. you don’t get enough variation (the liquid diet) 3. you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, 95% of people tend to cheat on their diets, quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it’s all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Here it is – the new Toddler Miracle Diet! You may have noticed that most two-year-olds are trim. After consultation with pediatricians, a new and inexpensive diet that takes advantage of the toddler’s secrets is now available to you. Good luck! MONDAYS & THURSDAYS: Breakfast – One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch – Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner – A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer. Bedtime Snack – Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor. TUESDAYS & FRIDAYS: Breakfast – Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch – Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a cigarette (to be eaten, not smoked). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon Snack – Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, and drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug. Dinner – A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon. WEDNESDAYS & SATURDAYS: Breakfast – Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday’s sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair. Lunch – Three matches, peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner – Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, and coffee. SUNDAYS: Breakfast – A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), a bit of soap, and an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch – Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner – A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
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> Toddler Miracle Diet!
SNIP VGB! You have some of the best humor! Always helps… -neondon- — Remove MAPSON from address to email.
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> Toddler Miracle Diet!
snipped very sensible dietary advice Is it OK to substitute coloured chalk for the crayons?? aussie annieb
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Yep, Aussie-Annie!! Chalk is a good substitution when you run out of crayons; in fact I think there’s even less cholesterol!! But I hafta say, I’m still hungry on this diet!! Any ideas to fill in for when I get empty??? ;-) Hugz, hungry-Jane
| |> Toddler Miracle Diet! — |snipped very sensible dietary advice | |Is it OK to substitute coloured chalk for the crayons?? | |aussie annieb | |
Response:
Throwing the remote control in the toilet must have somthing to do with it. My nephew is 2 and 1/2, he has gone through 3 remotes already and is very fit and trim. Jefe – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >Yep, Aussie-Annie!! > Chalk is a good substitution when you run >out of crayons; in fact I think there’s even >less cholesterol!! But I hafta say, I’m still >hungry on this diet!! Any ideas to fill in for >when I get empty??? ;-) >Hugz, hungry-Jane >| >|> Toddler Miracle Diet! >– >|snipped very sensible dietary advice >| >|Is it OK to substitute coloured chalk for the crayons?? >| >|aussie annieb >| >|
Response:
Okey, Dokey!! So all I hafta do to be fit & trim is keep retrieving remotes from the john??? (and stay on the diet) May I practice first with the drawer full of remotes that have lost their "better-halves" over the years???? 
Hugz, Jane |Throwing the remote control in the toilet must have somthing to do with it. |My nephew is 2 and 1/2, he has gone through 3 remotes already and is very |fit and trim. | |Jefe |
|>Yep, Aussie-Annie!! |> Chalk is a good substitution when you run |>out of crayons; in fact I think there’s even |>less cholesterol!! But I hafta say, I’m still |>hungry on this diet!! Any ideas to fill in for |>when I get empty??? ;-) |>Hugz, hungry-Jane
|>| |>|> Toddler Miracle Diet! — |>– |>|snipped very sensible dietary advice |>| |>|Is it OK to substitute coloured chalk for the crayons?? |>| |>|aussie annieb |>| |>| |> | |
Response:
LMAO, Now my question to you Jefe, Is, Did he flush them also. Or did he just leave the evidence for you to look at amd ,and, and….well whatever you did…. Mark – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >Throwing the remote control in the toilet must have somthing to do with it. >My nephew is 2 and 1/2, he has gone through 3 remotes already and is very >fit and trim. >Jefe >Yep, Aussie-Annie!! > Chalk is a good substitution when you run >out of crayons; in fact I think there’s even >less cholesterol!! But I hafta say, I’m still >hungry on this diet!! Any ideas to fill in for >when I get empty??? ;-) >Hugz, hungry-Jane >| >|> Toddler Miracle Diet! >– >|snipped very sensible dietary advice >| >|Is it OK to substitute coloured chalk for the crayons?? >| >|aussie annieb >| >|
Response:
He left the evidence–but hey man, he ain’t my kid!!! So it ends there with the remote Jefe – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >LMAO, Now my question to you Jefe, Is, Did he flush them also. Or did >he just leave the evidence for you to look at amd ,and, and….well >whatever you did…. >Mark >Throwing the remote control in the toilet must have somthing to do with it. >My nephew is 2 and 1/2, he has gone through 3 remotes already and is very >fit and trim. >Jefe >>Yep, Aussie-Annie!! >> Chalk is a good substitution when you run >>out of crayons; in fact I think there’s even >>less cholesterol!! But I hafta say, I’m still >>hungry on this diet!! Any ideas to fill in for >>when I get empty??? ;-) >>Hugz, hungry-Jane >>| >>|> Toddler Miracle Diet! >>– >>|snipped very sensible dietary advice >>| >>|Is it OK to substitute coloured chalk for the crayons?? >>| >>|aussie annieb >>| >>|
Response:
Alittle humor for all to enjoy: Two rednecks were hunting and one of them shot a deer. They started to take it back to their truck. They were pulling it by the hind feet. That made the fur snag on the grass, making it hard to pull. Another hunter, seeing their dilemma, told them it would be easier to pull the deer by the rack. That way the fur wouldn’t get snagged on the grass. The rednecks thanked the man, and he went on. After a little discussion, they decided to drag it by the rack. After a while one of the rednecks turned to the other and said,"Ya know, this is a lot easier to drag now." The other one said,"Yeah, but we sure are getting a long way away from the truck." Gatorboy
Response:
Being a semi-redneck, I find that funny… You know the last words you ever hear a redneck say? "Hey ya’ll watch this!" Give him lots of room. –paul – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Alittle humor for all to enjoy: > Two rednecks were hunting and one of them shot a deer. They started to take > it back to their truck. They were pulling it by the hind feet. That made the > fur snag on the grass, making it hard to pull. Another hunter, seeing their > dilemma, told them it would be easier to pull the deer by the rack. That way > the fur wouldn’t get snagged on the grass. The rednecks thanked the man, and > he went on. After a little discussion, they decided to drag it by the rack. > After a while one of the rednecks turned to the other and said,"Ya know, > this is a lot easier to drag now." The other one said,"Yeah, but we sure are > getting a long way away from the truck." > Gatorboy
Response:
Old archers never die, they just can’t straighten their arrows. Craig H > Alittle humor for all to enjoy: > Two rednecks were hunting and one of them shot a deer. They started to take > it back to their truck. They were pulling it by the hind feet. That made the > fur snag on the grass, making it hard to pull. Another hunter, seeing their > dilemma, told them it would be easier to pull the deer by the rack. That way > the fur wouldn’t get snagged on the grass. The rednecks thanked the man, and > he went on. After a little discussion, they decided to drag it by the rack. > After a while one of the rednecks turned to the other and said,"Ya know, > this is a lot easier to drag now." The other one said,"Yeah, but we sure are > getting a long way away from the truck." > Gatorboy
–
Response:
writes: >POORLY WORDED ADS
(snip) I had a very hard time reading this. I kept having to stop to get a tissue to wipe the tears of laughter from my eyes! These are great! Got any more?
Response:
I could use a good laugh, but I never saw "Humor," only the reply. Am I the only one? Levity is the dearth of gravity. Brevity is the height of clarity.
Response:
Hi Ron. I’m the one that posted the "Humor." It’s a collection of poorly worded advertisements and announcements. I’m glad it made a hit. I’ll post it again but it won’t be until next week because I have it on my computer at work, and I’m on vacation. Gina
Response:
POORLY WORDED ADS 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. For Sale — Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Stock up and save. Limit: one. We build bodies that last a lifetime. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again. Illiterate? Write today for free help. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Response:
This last Sunday morning I received 2 phone calls, one from my boss and one from my neighbour across the street, about what they had read in the Sunday paper. It had to do with parrots and Rottweilers, and Lord knows, we have enough of both of those. Here’s what it was all about. Late one recent night a burglar broke into a dark house where he though no-one was home. He tiptoed through the living room, but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a voice say: "Jesus is watching you." As silence returned to the house he crept shakely forward again. "Jesus is watching you," he heard again, and he stopped dead again. Frightened, he frantically searched and looked all around. In a dark corner of the living room he spotted a birdcage with a parrot in it, and the parrot said, again, "Jesus is watching you." "Phew," the burglar said to the parrot, "you had me going there for a minute. It’s only you, what’s your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "Clarence," said the burglar, "that’s a dumb name for a parrot, what kind of fool would name his parrot Clarence anyway?" "The same fool that calls his Rottweiler Jesus," said the parrot. — TTFN —- Peter Klapwijk, Bakla Aviaries, Richmond, B.C. Home of Champion Cockatiels, Senegals and Champion CKC reg’d Rottweilers (604)-241-8750
Response:
I really got a great laugh with this story, thanks for the post!! Michelle
Response:
A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you." He looked around nervously, shook his head, and continued to search for valuables. Then the voice came again: "Jesus is watching you." This time he moved the beam of light about the room until it rested upon a parrot. The burglar asked, "Did you say that?" The parrot admitted that it had "I’m just trying to warn you, that’s all." The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What’s your name?" "Moses," said the parrot. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" sneered the burglar. "I don’t know. I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler Jesus." Enjoy – Joy & & &
Response:
Loved it. Thanks. LOL.
Response:
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem, I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’" "That’s terrible!" the priest exclaims, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One of the male parrots looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, our prayers have been answered!" enjoy – Joy & & &
Response:
This last Sunday morning I received 2 phone calls, one from my boss and one from my neighbour across the street, about what they had read in the Sunday paper. It had to do with parrots and Rottweilers, and Lord knows, we have enough of both of those. Here’s what it was all about. Late one recent night a burglar broke into a dark house where he though no-one was home. He tiptoed through the living room, but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a voice say: "Jesus is watching you." As silence returned to the house he crept shakely forward again. "Jesus is watching you," he heard again, and he stopped dead again. Frightened, he frantically searched and looked all around. In a dark corner of the living room he spotted a birdcage with a parrot in it, and the parrot said, again, "Jesus is watching you." "Phew," the burglar said to the parrot, "you had me going there for a minute. It’s only you, what’s your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "Clarence," said the burglar, "that’s a dumb name for a parrot, what kind of fool would name his parrot Clarence anyway?" "The same fool that calls his Rottweiler Jesus," said the parrot. — TTFN —- Peter Klapwijk, Bakla Aviaries, Richmond, B.C. Home of Champion Cockatiels, Senegals and Champion CKC reg’d Rottweilers (604)-241-8750
Response:
I really got a great laugh with this story, thanks for the post!! Michelle
Response:
A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you." He looked around nervously, shook his head, and continued to search for valuables. Then the voice came again: "Jesus is watching you." This time he moved the beam of light about the room until it rested upon a parrot. The burglar asked, "Did you say that?" The parrot admitted that it had "I’m just trying to warn you, that’s all." The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What’s your name?" "Moses," said the parrot. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" sneered the burglar. "I don’t know. I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler Jesus." Enjoy – Joy & & &
Response:
Loved it. Thanks. LOL.
Response:
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem, I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’" "That’s terrible!" the priest exclaims, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One of the male parrots looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, our prayers have been answered!" enjoy – Joy & & &
Response:
I saw this on another newsgroup and I know it’s not on-subject, BUT I definitely think it applies to what’s been posted on here of late! Hope you get a chuckle! Q: How many internet mailing list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,331 … 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mailing list that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mailing list. 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this e-mail exchange to alt.lite.bulb 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mailing list. 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too." 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 19 to quote the "Me Too’s" to say, "Me Three." 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here. 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb. Cheers! Marcie
Response:
>Q: How many internet mailing list subscribers does it take to change a >light bulb?
I wonder if any enterprising psychologist is doing a study of newsgroup behavior. I loved the humor. Thanks L. M. Rose, Spokane, zone 5 "Set the table, but don’t surprise the cat."
Response:
This last Sunday morning I received 2 phone calls, one from my boss and one from my neighbour across the street, about what they had read in the Sunday paper. It had to do with parrots and Rottweilers, and Lord knows, we have enough of both of those. Here’s what it was all about. Late one recent night a burglar broke into a dark house where he though no-one was home. He tiptoed through the living room, but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a voice say: "Jesus is watching you." As silence returned to the house he crept shakely forward again. "Jesus is watching you," he heard again, and he stopped dead again. Frightened, he frantically searched and looked all around. In a dark corner of the living room he spotted a birdcage with a parrot in it, and the parrot said, again, "Jesus is watching you." "Phew," the burglar said to the parrot, "you had me going there for a minute. It’s only you, what’s your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "Clarence," said the burglar, "that’s a dumb name for a parrot, what kind of fool would name his parrot Clarence anyway?" "The same fool that calls his Rottweiler Jesus," said the parrot. — TTFN —- Peter Klapwijk, Bakla Aviaries, Richmond, B.C. Home of Champion Cockatiels, Senegals and Champion CKC reg’d Rottweilers (604)-241-8750
Response:
I really got a great laugh with this story, thanks for the post!! Michelle
Response:
A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you." He looked around nervously, shook his head, and continued to search for valuables. Then the voice came again: "Jesus is watching you." This time he moved the beam of light about the room until it rested upon a parrot. The burglar asked, "Did you say that?" The parrot admitted that it had "I’m just trying to warn you, that’s all." The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What’s your name?" "Moses," said the parrot. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" sneered the burglar. "I don’t know. I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler Jesus." Enjoy – Joy & & &
Response:
Loved it. Thanks. LOL.
Response:
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem, I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’" "That’s terrible!" the priest exclaims, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One of the male parrots looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, our prayers have been answered!" enjoy – Joy & & &
Response:
I saw this on another newsgroup and I know it’s not on-subject, BUT I definitely think it applies to what’s been posted on here of late! Hope you get a chuckle! Q: How many internet mailing list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,331 … 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mailing list that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mailing list. 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this e-mail exchange to alt.lite.bulb 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mailing list. 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too." 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 19 to quote the "Me Too’s" to say, "Me Three." 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here. 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb. Cheers! Marcie
Response:
>Q: How many internet mailing list subscribers does it take to change a >light bulb?
I wonder if any enterprising psychologist is doing a study of newsgroup behavior. I loved the humor. Thanks L. M. Rose, Spokane, zone 5 "Set the table, but don’t surprise the cat."
Response:
This last Sunday morning I received 2 phone calls, one from my boss and one from my neighbour across the street, about what they had read in the Sunday paper. It had to do with parrots and Rottweilers, and Lord knows, we have enough of both of those. Here’s what it was all about. Late one recent night a burglar broke into a dark house where he though no-one was home. He tiptoed through the living room, but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a voice say: "Jesus is watching you." As silence returned to the house he crept shakely forward again. "Jesus is watching you," he heard again, and he stopped dead again. Frightened, he frantically searched and looked all around. In a dark corner of the living room he spotted a birdcage with a parrot in it, and the parrot said, again, "Jesus is watching you." "Phew," the burglar said to the parrot, "you had me going there for a minute. It’s only you, what’s your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "Clarence," said the burglar, "that’s a dumb name for a parrot, what kind of fool would name his parrot Clarence anyway?" "The same fool that calls his Rottweiler Jesus," said the parrot. — TTFN —- Peter Klapwijk, Bakla Aviaries, Richmond, B.C. Home of Champion Cockatiels, Senegals and Champion CKC reg’d Rottweilers (604)-241-8750
Response:
I really got a great laugh with this story, thanks for the post!! Michelle
Response:
A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you." He looked around nervously, shook his head, and continued to search for valuables. Then the voice came again: "Jesus is watching you." This time he moved the beam of light about the room until it rested upon a parrot. The burglar asked, "Did you say that?" The parrot admitted that it had "I’m just trying to warn you, that’s all." The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What’s your name?" "Moses," said the parrot. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" sneered the burglar. "I don’t know. I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler Jesus." Enjoy – Joy & & &
Response:
Loved it. Thanks. LOL.
Response:
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem, I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’" "That’s terrible!" the priest exclaims, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One of the male parrots looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, our prayers have been answered!" enjoy – Joy & & &
Response:
I saw this on another newsgroup and I know it’s not on-subject, BUT I definitely think it applies to what’s been posted on here of late! Hope you get a chuckle! Q: How many internet mailing list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,331 … 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mailing list that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mailing list. 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this e-mail exchange to alt.lite.bulb 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mailing list. 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too." 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 19 to quote the "Me Too’s" to say, "Me Three." 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here. 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb. Cheers! Marcie
Response:
>Q: How many internet mailing list subscribers does it take to change a >light bulb?
I wonder if any enterprising psychologist is doing a study of newsgroup behavior. I loved the humor. Thanks L. M. Rose, Spokane, zone 5 "Set the table, but don’t surprise the cat."
Response:
This last Sunday morning I received 2 phone calls, one from my boss and one from my neighbour across the street, about what they had read in the Sunday paper. It had to do with parrots and Rottweilers, and Lord knows, we have enough of both of those. Here’s what it was all about. Late one recent night a burglar broke into a dark house where he though no-one was home. He tiptoed through the living room, but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a voice say: "Jesus is watching you." As silence returned to the house he crept shakely forward again. "Jesus is watching you," he heard again, and he stopped dead again. Frightened, he frantically searched and looked all around. In a dark corner of the living room he spotted a birdcage with a parrot in it, and the parrot said, again, "Jesus is watching you." "Phew," the burglar said to the parrot, "you had me going there for a minute. It’s only you, what’s your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "Clarence," said the burglar, "that’s a dumb name for a parrot, what kind of fool would name his parrot Clarence anyway?" "The same fool that calls his Rottweiler Jesus," said the parrot. — TTFN —- Peter Klapwijk, Bakla Aviaries, Richmond, B.C. Home of Champion Cockatiels, Senegals and Champion CKC reg’d Rottweilers (604)-241-8750
Response:
I really got a great laugh with this story, thanks for the post!! Michelle
Response:
A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you." He looked around nervously, shook his head, and continued to search for valuables. Then the voice came again: "Jesus is watching you." This time he moved the beam of light about the room until it rested upon a parrot. The burglar asked, "Did you say that?" The parrot admitted that it had "I’m just trying to warn you, that’s all." The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What’s your name?" "Moses," said the parrot. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" sneered the burglar. "I don’t know. I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler Jesus." Enjoy – Joy & & &
Response:
Loved it. Thanks. LOL.
Response:
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem, I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’" "That’s terrible!" the priest exclaims, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One of the male parrots looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, our prayers have been answered!" enjoy – Joy & & &
Response:
I saw this on another newsgroup and I know it’s not on-subject, BUT I definitely think it applies to what’s been posted on here of late! Hope you get a chuckle! Q: How many internet mailing list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,331 … 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mailing list that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mailing list. 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this e-mail exchange to alt.lite.bulb 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mailing list. 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too." 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 19 to quote the "Me Too’s" to say, "Me Three." 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here. 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb. Cheers! Marcie
Response:
>Q: How many internet mailing list subscribers does it take to change a >light bulb?
I wonder if any enterprising psychologist is doing a study of newsgroup behavior. I loved the humor. Thanks L. M. Rose, Spokane, zone 5 "Set the table, but don’t surprise the cat."
Response:
This last Sunday morning I received 2 phone calls, one from my boss and one from my neighbour across the street, about what they had read in the Sunday paper. It had to do with parrots and Rottweilers, and Lord knows, we have enough of both of those. Here’s what it was all about. Late one recent night a burglar broke into a dark house where he though no-one was home. He tiptoed through the living room, but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a voice say: "Jesus is watching you." As silence returned to the house he crept shakely forward again. "Jesus is watching you," he heard again, and he stopped dead again. Frightened, he frantically searched and looked all around. In a dark corner of the living room he spotted a birdcage with a parrot in it, and the parrot said, again, "Jesus is watching you." "Phew," the burglar said to the parrot, "you had me going there for a minute. It’s only you, what’s your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "Clarence," said the burglar, "that’s a dumb name for a parrot, what kind of fool would name his parrot Clarence anyway?" "The same fool that calls his Rottweiler Jesus," said the parrot. — TTFN —- Peter Klapwijk, Bakla Aviaries, Richmond, B.C. Home of Champion Cockatiels, Senegals and Champion CKC reg’d Rottweilers (604)-241-8750
Response:
I really got a great laugh with this story, thanks for the post!! Michelle
Response:
A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you." He looked around nervously, shook his head, and continued to search for valuables. Then the voice came again: "Jesus is watching you." This time he moved the beam of light about the room until it rested upon a parrot. The burglar asked, "Did you say that?" The parrot admitted that it had "I’m just trying to warn you, that’s all." The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What’s your name?" "Moses," said the parrot. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" sneered the burglar. "I don’t know. I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler Jesus." Enjoy – Joy & & &
Response:
Loved it. Thanks. LOL.
Response:
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem, I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’" "That’s terrible!" the priest exclaims, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One of the male parrots looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, our prayers have been answered!" enjoy – Joy & & &
Response:
I saw this on another newsgroup and I know it’s not on-subject, BUT I definitely think it applies to what’s been posted on here of late! Hope you get a chuckle! Q: How many internet mailing list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,331 … 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mailing list that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mailing list. 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this e-mail exchange to alt.lite.bulb 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mailing list. 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too." 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 19 to quote the "Me Too’s" to say, "Me Three." 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here. 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb. Cheers! Marcie
Response:
>Q: How many internet mailing list subscribers does it take to change a >light bulb?
I wonder if any enterprising psychologist is doing a study of newsgroup behavior. I loved the humor. Thanks L. M. Rose, Spokane, zone 5 "Set the table, but don’t surprise the cat."
Response:
This last Sunday morning I received 2 phone calls, one from my boss and one from my neighbour across the street, about what they had read in the Sunday paper. It had to do with parrots and Rottweilers, and Lord knows, we have enough of both of those. Here’s what it was all about. Late one recent night a burglar broke into a dark house where he though no-one was home. He tiptoed through the living room, but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a voice say: "Jesus is watching you." As silence returned to the house he crept shakely forward again. "Jesus is watching you," he heard again, and he stopped dead again. Frightened, he frantically searched and looked all around. In a dark corner of the living room he spotted a birdcage with a parrot in it, and the parrot said, again, "Jesus is watching you." "Phew," the burglar said to the parrot, "you had me going there for a minute. It’s only you, what’s your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "Clarence," said the burglar, "that’s a dumb name for a parrot, what kind of fool would name his parrot Clarence anyway?" "The same fool that calls his Rottweiler Jesus," said the parrot. — TTFN —- Peter Klapwijk, Bakla Aviaries, Richmond, B.C. Home of Champion Cockatiels, Senegals and Champion CKC reg’d Rottweilers (604)-241-8750
Response:
I really got a great laugh with this story, thanks for the post!! Michelle
Response:
A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you." He looked around nervously, shook his head, and continued to search for valuables. Then the voice came again: "Jesus is watching you." This time he moved the beam of light about the room until it rested upon a parrot. The burglar asked, "Did you say that?" The parrot admitted that it had "I’m just trying to warn you, that’s all." The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What’s your name?" "Moses," said the parrot. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" sneered the burglar. "I don’t know. I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler Jesus." Enjoy – Joy & & &
Response:
Loved it. Thanks. LOL.
Response:
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem, I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’" "That’s terrible!" the priest exclaims, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One of the male parrots looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, our prayers have been answered!" enjoy – Joy & & &
Response:
I saw this on another newsgroup and I know it’s not on-subject, BUT I definitely think it applies to what’s been posted on here of late! Hope you get a chuckle! Q: How many internet mailing list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,331 … 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mailing list that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mailing list. 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this e-mail exchange to alt.lite.bulb 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mailing list. 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too." 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 19 to quote the "Me Too’s" to say, "Me Three." 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here. 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb. Cheers! Marcie
Response:
>Q: How many internet mailing list subscribers does it take to change a >light bulb?
I wonder if any enterprising psychologist is doing a study of newsgroup behavior. I loved the humor. Thanks L. M. Rose, Spokane, zone 5 "Set the table, but don’t surprise the cat."
Response:
If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time, If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, Then you are probably a dog. — Toni http://www.irish-wolfhounds.com
Response:
And another… Trish First Strike!! A platoon of crack Special Forces soldiers have taken the first steps of reprisal after the incidents in America. The heroic force, composed of A&M corps graduates, have broken into the dog kennel area of the A&M Veterinary Science Building and captured all the Afghans. They reported light casualties.
Response:
This last Sunday morning I received 2 phone calls, one from my boss and one from my neighbour across the street, about what they had read in the Sunday paper. It had to do with parrots and Rottweilers, and Lord knows, we have enough of both of those. Here’s what it was all about. Late one recent night a burglar broke into a dark house where he though no-one was home. He tiptoed through the living room, but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a voice say: "Jesus is watching you." As silence returned to the house he crept shakely forward again. "Jesus is watching you," he heard again, and he stopped dead again. Frightened, he frantically searched and looked all around. In a dark corner of the living room he spotted a birdcage with a parrot in it, and the parrot said, again, "Jesus is watching you." "Phew," the burglar said to the parrot, "you had me going there for a minute. It’s only you, what’s your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "Clarence," said the burglar, "that’s a dumb name for a parrot, what kind of fool would name his parrot Clarence anyway?" "The same fool that calls his Rottweiler Jesus," said the parrot. — TTFN —- Peter Klapwijk, Bakla Aviaries, Richmond, B.C. Home of Champion Cockatiels, Senegals and Champion CKC reg’d Rottweilers (604)-241-8750
Response:
I really got a great laugh with this story, thanks for the post!! Michelle
Response:
A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you." He looked around nervously, shook his head, and continued to search for valuables. Then the voice came again: "Jesus is watching you." This time he moved the beam of light about the room until it rested upon a parrot. The burglar asked, "Did you say that?" The parrot admitted that it had "I’m just trying to warn you, that’s all." The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What’s your name?" "Moses," said the parrot. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" sneered the burglar. "I don’t know. I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler Jesus." Enjoy – Joy & & &
Response:
Loved it. Thanks. LOL.
Response:
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem, I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’" "That’s terrible!" the priest exclaims, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One of the male parrots looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, our prayers have been answered!" enjoy – Joy & & &
Response:
I saw this on another newsgroup and I know it’s not on-subject, BUT I definitely think it applies to what’s been posted on here of late! Hope you get a chuckle! Q: How many internet mailing list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,331 … 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mailing list that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mailing list. 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this e-mail exchange to alt.lite.bulb 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mailing list. 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too." 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 19 to quote the "Me Too’s" to say, "Me Three." 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here. 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb. Cheers! Marcie
Response:
>Q: How many internet mailing list subscribers does it take to change a >light bulb?
I wonder if any enterprising psychologist is doing a study of newsgroup behavior. I loved the humor. Thanks L. M. Rose, Spokane, zone 5 "Set the table, but don’t surprise the cat."
Response:
If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time, If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, Then you are probably a dog. — Toni http://www.irish-wolfhounds.com
Response:
And another… Trish First Strike!! A platoon of crack Special Forces soldiers have taken the first steps of reprisal after the incidents in America. The heroic force, composed of A&M corps graduates, have broken into the dog kennel area of the A&M Veterinary Science Building and captured all the Afghans. They reported light casualties.
Response:
This last Sunday morning I received 2 phone calls, one from my boss and one from my neighbour across the street, about what they had read in the Sunday paper. It had to do with parrots and Rottweilers, and Lord knows, we have enough of both of those. Here’s what it was all about. Late one recent night a burglar broke into a dark house where he though no-one was home. He tiptoed through the living room, but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a voice say: "Jesus is watching you." As silence returned to the house he crept shakely forward again. "Jesus is watching you," he heard again, and he stopped dead again. Frightened, he frantically searched and looked all around. In a dark corner of the living room he spotted a birdcage with a parrot in it, and the parrot said, again, "Jesus is watching you." "Phew," the burglar said to the parrot, "you had me going there for a minute. It’s only you, what’s your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "Clarence," said the burglar, "that’s a dumb name for a parrot, what kind of fool would name his parrot Clarence anyway?" "The same fool that calls his Rottweiler Jesus," said the parrot. — TTFN —- Peter Klapwijk, Bakla Aviaries, Richmond, B.C. Home of Champion Cockatiels, Senegals and Champion CKC reg’d Rottweilers (604)-241-8750
Response:
I really got a great laugh with this story, thanks for the post!! Michelle
Response:
A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you." He looked around nervously, shook his head, and continued to search for valuables. Then the voice came again: "Jesus is watching you." This time he moved the beam of light about the room until it rested upon a parrot. The burglar asked, "Did you say that?" The parrot admitted that it had "I’m just trying to warn you, that’s all." The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What’s your name?" "Moses," said the parrot. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" sneered the burglar. "I don’t know. I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler Jesus." Enjoy – Joy & & &
Response:
Loved it. Thanks. LOL.
Response:
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem, I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’" "That’s terrible!" the priest exclaims, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One of the male parrots looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, our prayers have been answered!" enjoy – Joy & & &
Response:
I saw this on another newsgroup and I know it’s not on-subject, BUT I definitely think it applies to what’s been posted on here of late! Hope you get a chuckle! Q: How many internet mailing list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,331 … 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mailing list that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mailing list. 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this e-mail exchange to alt.lite.bulb 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mailing list. 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too." 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 19 to quote the "Me Too’s" to say, "Me Three." 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here. 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb. Cheers! Marcie
Response:
>Q: How many internet mailing list subscribers does it take to change a >light bulb?
I wonder if any enterprising psychologist is doing a study of newsgroup behavior. I loved the humor. Thanks L. M. Rose, Spokane, zone 5 "Set the table, but don’t surprise the cat."
Response:
A minister died and went to heaven. Before him was a loudmouth man with a loud shirt, chain pants, and a loud hat. Saint Peter asked the guy what he did for a living. He said, "I was a taxi cab driver in Noo Yawk City!" St. Peter handed him a silk robe, and a golden staff. The minister’s turn was next. St. Peter asked him what he did for a living. He stood up very straight, and said in a loud, clear voice, "I am John C. Maxwell, bishop of St. Mary’s Church." St. Peter handed him a cotton robe and a regular staff. The bishop was stunned. "Why?" he asked. "You let that taxi cab driver have a silk robe and golden staff but not me?" St. Peter replied, "up here we work by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Response:
JOKE OF THE DAY Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The second Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen." First Man: "No it’s true, let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window, and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. The second man tells him: "You know I saw it with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." First Man: "No, I’ll prove it again" and jumps out the window. Once upstairs, he urges his fellow drinker to try it. Second Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I’ll try it." So he jumps over that balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors, and hits the sidewalk with a "splat." Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk."
Response:
Took me awhile…….but I got it! Very funny! — Lisa – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> The burglar was creeping noiselessly through the darkened home, filing > his bag with various valuables. As he reached his hand out to a box of > jewelry, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Shaken, the > Good one Chief. Reminds me of the night I was walking all alone > beside a big grave yard. The moon was full, and there was no one > for miles. The dead trees leaned ominously over the tombstones. > It was very creepy and as I walked, I felt a cold chill run up my back. > Just then, I heard a voice call out, "Mark!" > I spun around, but there was no one there. I heard the gruff voice > clear as a bell, no mistake about it. So I quickened my pace. Then > I heard the leaves rustling among the headstones. As I looked back > to the graveyard, once again it called out, "Mark! Mark!", but there > was no one there. > Now I was terrified, so I began to run, but the graveyard was huge! > And now, I could hear footsteps chasing me! The voice continued to > call out, "Mark! Mark! Mark!" > I ran faster and faster, but I could hear the footsteps gaining on me! > Just as I felt my heart beginning to flutter, a very loud voice was right > behind me, and yelled out, "MARK! MARK!" > In terror I spun around to face the voice, when there under the > moonlight, I realized that I was being chased by a little Hair-lipped dog. > (untrue story) > Mark Mark, of the Forest
Response:
The burglar was creeping noiselessly through the darkened home, filing his bag with various valuables. As he reached his hand out to a box of jewelry, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Shaken, the burglar stopped. For a full minute he didn’t dare breathe. Finally, he switched on his flashlight and carefully played it around the room, but saw nothing. Convinced that it must have been his imagination he turned off the flashlight and continued in his quest for another man’s wealth. He was busily unhooking a stereo set when he again heard, "Jesus is watching you." This time he nearly jumped out of his skin, he was so freaked out. beads of sweat popped out on his face, and as he switched the light on again, the beam shook violently from his terror. He looked around the room,and noticed a birdcage in the corner. Upon closer inspection, he discovered a parrot in the cage. "Are you the one that spoke to me just now?", asked the burglar."Yes, I am," said the parrot. "Why did you say ‘Jesus is watching you?’, asked the man. "Because I felt you needed to be warned," replied the parrot. By this time the man was over his fright and was more than a little irritated at this smart-mouthed parrot that had tried to scare the living daylights out of him. "What’s your name?", asked the burglar."Moses", the parrot said. "Ha", the man said, guffawing. "What kind of people would name their parrot Moses?""The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler, Jesus."
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informed me of this: That got a big smile out of me. Thanks, Jesus is watching you too. Ruff! Hopper
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> The burglar was creeping noiselessly through the darkened home, filing > his bag with various valuables. As he reached his hand out to a box of > jewelry, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Shaken, the
Good one Chief. Reminds me of the night I was walking all alone beside a big grave yard. The moon was full, and there was no one for miles. The dead trees leaned ominously over the tombstones. It was very creepy and as I walked, I felt a cold chill run up my back. Just then, I heard a voice call out, "Mark!" I spun around, but there was no one there. I heard the gruff voice clear as a bell, no mistake about it. So I quickened my pace. Then I heard the leaves rustling among the headstones. As I looked back to the graveyard, once again it called out, "Mark! Mark!", but there was no one there. Now I was terrified, so I began to run, but the graveyard was huge! And now, I could hear footsteps chasing me! The voice continued to call out, "Mark! Mark! Mark!" I ran faster and faster, but I could hear the footsteps gaining on me! Just as I felt my heart beginning to flutter, a very loud voice was right behind me, and yelled out, "MARK! MARK!" In terror I spun around to face the voice, when there under the moonlight, I realized that I was being chased by a little Hair-lipped dog. (untrue story) Mark Mark, of the Forest
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Oh, Mark. You caught me off guard. You rapscallion, you. — Val in Boise – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> The burglar was creeping noiselessly through the darkened home, filing > his bag with various valuables. As he reached his hand out to a box of > jewelry, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Shaken, the > Good one Chief. Reminds me of the night I was walking all alone > beside a big grave yard. The moon was full, and there was no one > for miles. The dead trees leaned ominously over the tombstones. > It was very creepy and as I walked, I felt a cold chill run up my back. > Just then, I heard a voice call out, "Mark!" > I spun around, but there was no one there. I heard the gruff voice > clear as a bell, no mistake about it. So I quickened my pace. Then > I heard the leaves rustling among the headstones. As I looked back > to the graveyard, once again it called out, "Mark! Mark!", but there > was no one there. > Now I was terrified, so I began to run, but the graveyard was huge! > And now, I could hear footsteps chasing me! The voice continued to > call out, "Mark! Mark! Mark!" > I ran faster and faster, but I could hear the footsteps gaining on me! > Just as I felt my heart beginning to flutter, a very loud voice was right > behind me, and yelled out, "MARK! MARK!" > In terror I spun around to face the voice, when there under the > moonlight, I realized that I was being chased by a little Hair-lipped dog. > (untrue story) > Mark Mark, of the Forest
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where do you find these, Lynda? having had little opportunity to chuckle this past week leaves me wide open to decent humor. thanks r
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Hi Ricky, Welcom e to the ngs, > where do you find these, Lynda? > having had little opportunity to chuckle this past week leaves me wide open > to decent humor.
Thanks…glad you like them! From many sources…I subscribe to a few joke sites. Just type jokes and do a search on google.com — LyndaNP Reality isn’t the way you wish things to be, nor the way they appear to be, but the way they actually are. – Robert J. Ringer
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I always find lame joke sites. You’re lucky. Ricky Ricardo was Mad Hatter II and Mad Ness and Krang for a minute there, so that is out of the way. Ricardo MadGello is still my pen name. I usually sign with r no matter what name i’m using in ng. Take care and thanks again. r
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Hi Ricky, > Welcom e to the ngs, > where do you find these, Lynda? > having had little opportunity to chuckle this past week leaves me wide open > to decent humor. > Thanks…glad you like them! > From many sources…I subscribe to a few joke sites. Just type jokes and > do a search on google.com > — > LyndaNP > Reality isn’t the way you wish things to be, nor the way > they appear to be, but the way they actually are. > – Robert J. Ringer
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——- Begin Forwarded Message ——- JOKE OF THE DAY: The Millers were shown into the dentist’s office, where Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Miller turned to his wife… "Show him your tooth, Honey." THE JOKE THAT SPARES NOBODY: Drunk On The Emerald Isle A respected Irish judge left Clancy’s bar after a hard night of tippling. Halfway home, he was overcome by nausea and upchucked all over his fine suit. He explained to his wife that a drunk had staggered into him in the street and soiled his clothing. "Aye, Moira, not to fear" he said. I had him arrested, and Monday I shall give him 30 days for his atrocious offense." His adoring wife dutifully cleaned his suit without comment. Before leaving for court on Monday, he reminded Moira that he was going to sentence the suit soiler to 30 days, upon which Moira replied, "Better give him 60 days, your honor, he shit in your pants too . . . " — LyndaNP Reality isn’t the way you wish things to be, nor the way they appear to be, but the way they actually are. – Robert J. Ringer
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JOKE OF THE DAY: One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money… even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I’m dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!" THE JOKE THAT SPARES NOBODY: Cold Winter? The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man replied, "it’s going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again, "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!" — LyndaNP Reality isn’t the way you wish things to be, nor the way they appear to be, but the way they actually are. – Robert J. Ringer
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Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN’T Say Out Loud In Victoria’s Secret: 10 Does this come in children’s sizes? 09 No Thanks. Just Sniffing. 08 I’ll be in the dressing room going blind. 07 Mom will love this. 06 Oh the size won’t matter. She’s inflatable. 05 No need to wrap it up. I’ll eat it here. 04 Will you model this for me??? 03 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!! 02 45 bucks?? You’re just gonna end up naked ANYWAY!! And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria’s Secret: 01 Oh, honey, you’ll NEVER squeeze your ass into that!!
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Hello — glad to see you again…. seems like it’s been awhile… P.S. This is funny. Reminds me of the time I was in the mall with son and his wife — of course we had to hit the V.S. sale….. I hear son mumbling — this is my nightmare — me, in Victoria’s Secret with my wife and my *mother*. Eeeuuuuwwww. — Eileen [The world will go as it wills; not as you or I would have it. MZB]
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN’T Say Out Loud In Victoria’s Secret: > 10 Does this come in children’s sizes? > 09 No Thanks. Just Sniffing. > 08 I’ll be in the dressing room going blind. > 07 Mom will love this. > 06 Oh the size won’t matter. She’s inflatable. > 05 No need to wrap it up. I’ll eat it here. > 04 Will you model this for me??? > 03 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!! > 02 45 bucks?? You’re just gonna end up naked ANYWAY!! > And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in > Victoria’s Secret: > 01 Oh, honey, you’ll NEVER squeeze your ass into that!!
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Debs, LOL!!! I’ll have to wait until they have something a little more "feminine"!! Hugs, Linda
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Here is the actual URL: http://www.under-tec.com/store.htm > A friend sent the oage to me a while back! > Debs > My Mother needs a pair of those! Where do I get them?? > Mary > > LOL!! I could use some of those undies!! > > Hugs, Linda
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Here is the actual URL: http://www.under-tec.com/store.htm A friend sent the oage to me a while back! Debs > My Mother needs a pair of those! Where do I get them?? > Mary > LOL!! I could use some of those undies!! > Hugs, Linda
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My Mother needs a pair of those! Where do I get them?? Mary
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> LOL!! I could use some of those undies!! > Hugs, Linda > IT’S A GAS, MAN > A therapist who invented underwear that filters out the smell of > farts and a professor who figured out why shower curtains billow > inward are among this year’s Ig Nobel Prize winners. > The Ig Nobel awards are presented annually by the humor science > magazine, Annals of Improbable Research. They were handed out last > Thursday night at Harvard University and are awarded to researchers > and inventors for work that "cannot and should not be reproduced." > In the field of biology, Buck Weimer of Pueblo, Colo., was honored > for his invention of "Under-Ease" — described as airtight underwear > with a replaceable charcoal filter that removes the odor from > flatulence before it can escape. > — > Sussex Branch of the D.L.& W. Railroad: > http://srr_1854.tripod.com
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LOL!! I could use some of those undies!! Hugs, Linda
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> IT’S A GAS, MAN > A therapist who invented underwear that filters out the smell of > farts and a professor who figured out why shower curtains billow > inward are among this year’s Ig Nobel Prize winners. > The Ig Nobel awards are presented annually by the humor science > magazine, Annals of Improbable Research. They were handed out last > Thursday night at Harvard University and are awarded to researchers > and inventors for work that "cannot and should not be reproduced." > In the field of biology, Buck Weimer of Pueblo, Colo., was honored > for his invention of "Under-Ease" — described as airtight underwear > with a replaceable charcoal filter that removes the odor from > flatulence before it can escape. > — > Sussex Branch of the D.L.& W. Railroad: > http://srr_1854.tripod.com
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IT’S A GAS, MAN A therapist who invented underwear that filters out the smell of farts and a professor who figured out why shower curtains billow inward are among this year’s Ig Nobel Prize winners. The Ig Nobel awards are presented annually by the humor science magazine, Annals of Improbable Research. They were handed out last Thursday night at Harvard University and are awarded to researchers and inventors for work that "cannot and should not be reproduced." In the field of biology, Buck Weimer of Pueblo, Colo., was honored for his invention of "Under-Ease" — described as airtight underwear with a replaceable charcoal filter that removes the odor from flatulence before it can escape. — Sussex Branch of the D.L.& W. Railroad: http://srr_1854.tripod.com
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Wonder Wipe Toilet Paper!! New Wonder Wipe has been specifically formulated and clinically proven to fight odor. It’s soft, non-abrasive, and when you purchase it at participating stores, receive a FREE box of croutons. Wonder Wipe has several uses. In fact, we have been considering changing the name to ALL PURPOSE MIRACLE COTTON CLOTH. Use it to dust, wallpaper your wall, cover a table, first-aid, even grind it up and add it to hamburger to give your hamburgers the famous Wonder Wipe zest!! Wonder Wipe won’t stick to dental work. NOR will it clog the toilet. NOR will it stick to your seat. Also, try computerized Wonder Wipe. It does the job for you and is re-usable. Try non-allergenic or floral print Wonder Wipe. Try the Wonder Wipe dispenser that conveneintly spurts out a regulated one sheet of Wonder Wipe. (The Surgeon General of toilets reports that a mere square per wipe is cheaper and better for the average toilet.) So be a Wonder Wipe man or woman. After all, it’s the wave of the future in toilet paper. If you send away now to the address on the envelope, you can receive our new Wonder Wipe Mini Roll, small enough to fit in most wallets. Take Wonder Wipe to work!! Remember, a Wonder-Wipe man or woman is a Wonderful person!! New Wonder Wipe. Tell a friend. Purchase a roll and ask for the free booklet "How to Wipe More Effectively"
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What do you call a child born in a Whorehouse? A Brothel Sprout
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CUTE!!! : )
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Maryjo
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Testing reply using NS 4.5 – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > What do you call a child born in a Whorehouse? > A Brothel Sprout
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This past weekend my daughter told me that she was having alot of abdominal pain and diarrehea. I said, "I sure hope it isn’t Crohn’s or you’ll be in for a lifetime investment of toilet paper and bathroom candles!" She kind of laughed, and I said, "No, I’m just being fecetious!" My son-in-law pops into the conversation with, "Don’t you mean feces-shus?" ha!
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Re: facetious — GOOD ONE!
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Hello Folks I have been passing the ‘funnies’ onto my partner at his place of work, and he has been passing them onto his colleagues. They are all enjoying them, so much so that my partner has passed them onto someone on California, whi he is co-authoring a book with (they are a couple of computer nerds and writing a book on ‘fly-by-wire’) Hildagh > (_!_) a regular ass
etc., etc
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Ohhh I had to print this one. Been toooo many times that one of these would apply. harv – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> (_!_) a regular ass > (__!__) a fat ass > (!) a tight ass > (_._) a flat ass > (_^_) a bubble ass > (_*_) a sore ass > (_!__) a lop-sided ass > {_!_} a swishy ass > (_o_) an ass that’s been around > (_O_) an ass that’s been around even more > (_x_) kiss my ass > (_X_) leave my ass alone > (_zzz_) a tired ass > (_o^o_) a wise ass > (_13_) an unlucky ass > (_$_) Money coming out of his ass > (_?_) Dumb Ass
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(_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_._) a flat ass (_^_) a bubble ass (_*_) a sore ass (_!__) a lop-sided ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that’s been around (_O_) an ass that’s been around even more (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) a tired ass (_o^o_) a wise ass (_13_) an unlucky ass (_$_) Money coming out of his ass (_?_) Dumb Ass ..ooo*"""**ooooo .oo*""*ooo.. . oo*" "*o.oo*" "*o. . o" ‘o" "o o o *o .o o ‘o o o o. o o o. o o o o o/ o o –0– o o. /o o o o o "o o o o’" o oo oo o oo oo. oo oo ’ooo. .oo. ooo "o ""oo,, ,,oO-’Oo, ,,,,,,..oo" o. """""" oo """"" .o ’o oo o’ *o oo o ‘o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o You have been e-mooned!
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Char, New to me–and funny. Gwen
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Some of you may have already seen this, but I thought I’d share with those that haven’t seen it yet. Have a great weekend!!! St. Mom’s Wort … Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. Empty Nestrogen … Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait til they moved out. Peptobimbo … Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. Dumerol … When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music. Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. Antiboyotics … When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up. Menicillin … Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person … can we get naked now?" Buyagra … Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-one-all … When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. Jack Asspirin … Relieves the headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. Anti-talksident … A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. Sexcedrin … Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome. Ragamet … When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. Men-Gay … A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool. Char "Remember, I’m pulling for ya’. We’re all in this together." Red Green
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Jeannette, I love your humor!!!! I use a lot of it too, just not in my posting (the main reasing is that it is difficult to do that in another language)/. However I do understand it while reading. Don’t stop, just because very few people sometime misunderstand!!! Wendy — Many people will walk in and out of your life, But only a few will leave footprints in your heart. Olsonsej heeft geschreven in bericht – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Because we cannot see eachother’s faces and know expressions and personalities, >it is difficult to figure out if someone is just trying to be humorous or is >serious. I have been caught in that bind a number of times now and it is not >fun. Usually I will LOL or something to let people know if I am kidding. This >last episode regarding the troll bothered me because it is quite common place >to kid around regarding trolling here as well as spaming. I even used LOL and >smiley faces etc. to indicate that. In spite of my efforts, some people took >me seriously. I am sorry for that. I try to stay on the humorous light side >of things whenever possible. When somebody throws me a curve unexpectedly, I >am confused. I don’t know what the moral of this story is, but humor is a good >thing and I am happy to be able to laugh when I can and kid around when I can. >If somebody is not acceptable to that, then I will refrain from kidding around >any further with that person for fear of reprocussions. I will watch my pppp’s >and qqqq’s from now on. >Jeannette
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Hey Thanks Wendy!!! Humor is the best medicine of any!!! Jeannette
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Please dont change who you really are. Kidding around is a good thing and pain and loss of function can make people a little on the short side sometimes but well meant humor will win out if we are strong enough and really care for those we are dealing with. It takes a really strong person to smile back when they have been stung a little by someone else and I am talking to myself as well. This type of thinking is what makes ASA different from the other support groups. We can accept people for who they are over the long haul and not for the poor joke that may be someone’s touchy point. JMO Harv – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Because we cannot see eachother’s faces and know expressions and personalities, > it is difficult to figure out if someone is just trying to be humorous or is > serious. I have been caught in that bind a number of times now and it is not > fun. Usually I will LOL or something to let people know if I am kidding. This > last episode regarding the troll bothered me because it is quite common place > to kid around regarding trolling here as well as spaming. I even used LOL and > smiley faces etc. to indicate that. In spite of my efforts, some people took > me seriously. I am sorry for that. I try to stay on the humorous light side > of things whenever possible. When somebody throws me a curve unexpectedly, I > am confused. I don’t know what the moral of this story is, but humor is a good > thing and I am happy to be able to laugh when I can and kid around when I can. > If somebody is not acceptable to that, then I will refrain from kidding around > any further with that person for fear of reprocussions. I will watch my pppp’s > and qqqq’s from now on. > Jeannette
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>Jeannette, come on now girl, don’t quit goofing I will think you are >really sick or something is terribly wrong. You would not want to worry >me, would you?
It seems the only ones that I have had real clashes with on this ng are of the male gender. It seems us gals understand eachothers humor and guys understand eachothers humor, but it sometimes is difficult for the two to mix. There are just certain people I will be careful about on this ng. It has happened to many times. With you Janers, you ole wench, I’ll never forget my humor……LOLOLOLOL Jeannette
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Jeannette, come on now girl, don’t quit goofing I will think you are really sick or something is terribly wrong. You would not want to worry me, would you? Hey how do you get a secret sender? Noticed you got a little angel? Is there a special club I missed out on. LOL Janers
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Because we cannot see eachother’s faces and know expressions and personalities, it is difficult to figure out if someone is just trying to be humorous or is serious. I have been caught in that bind a number of times now and it is not fun. Usually I will LOL or something to let people know if I am kidding. This last episode regarding the troll bothered me because it is quite common place to kid around regarding trolling here as well as spaming. I even used LOL and smiley faces etc. to indicate that. In spite of my efforts, some people took me seriously. I am sorry for that. I try to stay on the humorous light side of things whenever possible. When somebody throws me a curve unexpectedly, I am confused. I don’t know what the moral of this story is, but humor is a good thing and I am happy to be able to laugh when I can and kid around when I can. If somebody is not acceptable to that, then I will refrain from kidding around any further with that person for fear of reprocussions. I will watch my pppp’s and qqqq’s from now on. Jeannette
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Jeanette, I am out of the loop on this one….I always think you are kidding. Dawn0 – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Because we cannot see eachother’s faces and know expressions and personalities, > it is difficult to figure out if someone is just trying to be humorous or is > serious. I have been caught in that bind a number of times now and it is not > fun. Usually I will LOL or something to let people know if I am kidding. This > last episode regarding the troll bothered me because it is quite common place > to kid around regarding trolling here as well as spaming. I even used LOL and > smiley faces etc. to indicate that. In spite of my efforts, some people took > me seriously. I am sorry for that. I try to stay on the humorous light side > of things whenever possible. When somebody throws me a curve unexpectedly, I > am confused. I don’t know what the moral of this story is, but humor is a good > thing and I am happy to be able to laugh when I can and kid around when I can. > If somebody is not acceptable to that, then I will refrain from kidding around > any further with that person for fear of reprocussions. I will watch my pppp’s > and qqqq’s from now on. > Jeannette
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Hello Folks I have been passing the ‘funnies’ onto my partner at his place of work, and he has been passing them onto his colleagues. They are all enjoying them, so much so that my partner has passed them onto someone on California, whi he is co-authoring a book with (they are a couple of computer nerds and writing a book on ‘fly-by-wire’) Hildagh > (_!_) a regular ass
etc., etc
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Ohhh I had to print this one. Been toooo many times that one of these would apply. harv – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> (_!_) a regular ass > (__!__) a fat ass > (!) a tight ass > (_._) a flat ass > (_^_) a bubble ass > (_*_) a sore ass > (_!__) a lop-sided ass > {_!_} a swishy ass > (_o_) an ass that’s been around > (_O_) an ass that’s been around even more > (_x_) kiss my ass > (_X_) leave my ass alone > (_zzz_) a tired ass > (_o^o_) a wise ass > (_13_) an unlucky ass > (_$_) Money coming out of his ass > (_?_) Dumb Ass
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(_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_._) a flat ass (_^_) a bubble ass (_*_) a sore ass (_!__) a lop-sided ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that’s been around (_O_) an ass that’s been around even more (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) a tired ass (_o^o_) a wise ass (_13_) an unlucky ass (_$_) Money coming out of his ass (_?_) Dumb Ass ..ooo*"""**ooooo .oo*""*ooo.. . oo*" "*o.oo*" "*o. . o" ‘o" "o o o *o .o o ‘o o o o. o o o. o o o o o/ o o –0– o o. /o o o o o "o o o o’" o oo oo o oo oo. oo oo ’ooo. .oo. ooo "o ""oo,, ,,oO-’Oo, ,,,,,,..oo" o. """""" oo """"" .o ’o oo o’ *o oo o ‘o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o You have been e-mooned!
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Char, New to me–and funny. Gwen
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Some of you may have already seen this, but I thought I’d share with those that haven’t seen it yet. Have a great weekend!!! St. Mom’s Wort … Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. Empty Nestrogen … Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait til they moved out. Peptobimbo … Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. Dumerol … When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music. Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. Antiboyotics … When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up. Menicillin … Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person … can we get naked now?" Buyagra … Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-one-all … When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. Jack Asspirin … Relieves the headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. Anti-talksident … A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. Sexcedrin … Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome. Ragamet … When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. Men-Gay … A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool. Char "Remember, I’m pulling for ya’. We’re all in this together." Red Green
Response:
UNIVERSITY OF ARKANSAS ATHLETIC OFFICE NEWS RELEASE – NEW TEAM RECRUITS AND 2002 FOOTBALL RECRUITING PROSPECTS 1. Wayfroy P. Jackson: 6′6
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pPpP No, that’s my special perfume ‘Eau de Catpee’ :)) Deb. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > And I just thought you smelled funny!! > Helen M > — > People who hate cats were probably mice in a former life. > Yep- my cat Cocoa is also a phantom soap-licker! Though she did not go > for the lavender soap I got recently 