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Question:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Your daughter is exhibiting extremely irrational and self destructive behavior – > the bloody underwear alone is bad enough.  I agree with the poster about a > mental evaluation – people that refuse to bathe and wash their clothes can be > seriously depressed – If she is 16 and in college that might be part of what is > going on – she might be intelligent enough for college but not mature enough to > handle the pressure. > One thing for sure is YOU are going to have a nervous breakdown if her treatment > of you and the other children continue.  Do what you can to get her evaluated. > This could also be drugs, especially if it started suddenly with no apparent > warning.  Good luck, and pray a lot. > Please help, I am getting so desperate now.  My 16 yr old daughter is > driving me to dispair.  She refuses to wash until I physically make her, I > need to remind her to wash her hands after going to the loo, she leaves > bloodstained underwear from periods in handbags, under the bed, in clean > clothes drawers, all dirty washing is left on the floor in her room, she > takes other peoples items without asking and generally breaks them ( she has > 2 younger sisters), she smokes ok I can’t stop that but I have forbid it in > the house but that causes arguments, she constantly lies to me, I know some > of the lies are only small but they are still lies, she also fabricates > things that happen in the home between her and her step dad and myself. I > could go on and on.  She is curently at college and beginning to take all we > do for granted, constantly demanding money which we do not have so we cannot > give it but she goads and goads and goads me, it has made me ill, I take > anti-depressants due to the constant rows and deceit. > I do not know which way to turn, my husband has had enough and has said she > leaves if she does not start to behave, I am inclined to agree but she is my > daughter!! > Her dad does not want to know her and hasn’t done for quite some time. It > is a battle every day with her, I literally need to spell out to her all > things, everyday things that need doing, I cannot take any more.  She lies, > teases and physically hurts and verbally abuses her sisters, they need > protecting as does my husband. > WHAT CAN I DO? > Thankyou for some constructive advice, it is appreciated, thank you Ali

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Please help, I am getting so desperate now.  My 16 yr old daughter is > driving me to dispair.  She refuses to wash until I physically make > her, I > need to remind her to wash her hands after going to the loo, she > leaves > bloodstained underwear from periods in handbags, under the bed, in > clean > clothes drawers, all dirty washing is left on the floor in her room, > she > takes other peoples items without asking and generally breaks them ( > she has > 2 younger sisters), she smokes ok I can’t stop that but I have forbid > it in > the house but that causes arguments, she constantly lies to me, I > know some > of the lies are only small but they are still lies, she also > fabricates > things that happen in the home between her and her step dad and > myself. > I > could go on and on.  She is curently at college and beginning to take > all we > do for granted, constantly demanding money which we do not have so we > cannot > give it but she goads and goads and goads me, it has made me ill, I > take > anti-depressants due to the constant rows and deceit. > Well you have a few choices… > you can keep treating her as a child, and you will have a child on your > hands for the rest of your days. > or you can start treating her as an adult…she’s intelligent enough to > be in college? then it’s time for her to start being independant… > Getting a job would probably be of benefit to her…making her pay her > own way…helping her become self-reliant — i wish that had been done > to me when i was younger… > only drawback for you might be: if she’s saddled with adult > expectations, then she should be treated with adult respect. that means > if she doesn’t want to wash her hands, it’s not your affair.  Learning > comes from being allowed to screw up…sometimes it comes quickly, > sometimes it takes years…but we don’t learn unless you give us the > freedom to do good and bad without interference. > It sounds like there’s lots of anger in her. Respectfully: Have you > ever sat down and listened to her without judgement? Just let her spew > about whatever without trying to dump your 2 cents in before she gets > it all out? > I do not know which way to turn, my husband has had enough and has > said she > leaves if she does not start to behave, I am inclined to agree but > she is my > daughter!! > Her dad does not want to know her and hasn’t done for quite some > time. > Maybe that’s the root of her anger? > donawanaa > It > is a battle every day with her, I literally need to spell out to her > all > things, everyday things that need doing, I cannot take any more.  She > lies, > teases and physically hurts and verbally abuses her sisters, they need > protecting as does my husband. > WHAT CAN I DO? > — > "It’s a dog-eat-dog world, > and I’m wearing MilkBone underwear" — Norm from Cheers

Thanks for taking the time to reply, your comments are appreciated

Response:

Your daughter is exhibiting extremely irrational and self destructive behavior – the bloody underwear alone is bad enough.  I agree with the poster about a mental evaluation – people that refuse to bathe and wash their clothes can be seriously depressed – If she is 16 and in college that might be part of what is going on – she might be intelligent enough for college but not mature enough to handle the pressure. One thing for sure is YOU are going to have a nervous breakdown if her treatment of you and the other children continue.  Do what you can to get her evaluated. This could also be drugs, especially if it started suddenly with no apparent warning.  Good luck, and pray a lot. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Please help, I am getting so desperate now.  My 16 yr old daughter is > driving me to dispair.  She refuses to wash until I physically make her, I > need to remind her to wash her hands after going to the loo, she leaves > bloodstained underwear from periods in handbags, under the bed, in clean > clothes drawers, all dirty washing is left on the floor in her room, she > takes other peoples items without asking and generally breaks them ( she has > 2 younger sisters), she smokes ok I can’t stop that but I have forbid it in > the house but that causes arguments, she constantly lies to me, I know some > of the lies are only small but they are still lies, she also fabricates > things that happen in the home between her and her step dad and myself.  I > could go on and on.  She is curently at college and beginning to take all we > do for granted, constantly demanding money which we do not have so we cannot > give it but she goads and goads and goads me, it has made me ill, I take > anti-depressants due to the constant rows and deceit. > I do not know which way to turn, my husband has had enough and has said she > leaves if she does not start to behave, I am inclined to agree but she is my > daughter!! > Her dad does not want to know her and hasn’t done for quite some time.  It > is a battle every day with her, I literally need to spell out to her all > things, everyday things that need doing, I cannot take any more.  She lies, > teases and physically hurts and verbally abuses her sisters, they need > protecting as does my husband. > WHAT CAN I DO?

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Please help, I am getting so desperate now.  My 16 yr old daughter is > driving me to dispair.  She refuses to wash until I physically make > her, I > need to remind her to wash her hands after going to the loo, she > leaves > bloodstained underwear from periods in handbags, under the bed, in > clean > clothes drawers, all dirty washing is left on the floor in her room, > she > takes other peoples items without asking and generally breaks them ( > she has > 2 younger sisters), she smokes ok I can’t stop that but I have forbid > it in > the house but that causes arguments, she constantly lies to me, I > know some > of the lies are only small but they are still lies, she also > fabricates > things that happen in the home between her and her step dad and > myself. > I > could go on and on.  She is curently at college and beginning to take > all we > do for granted, constantly demanding money which we do not have so we > cannot > give it but she goads and goads and goads me, it has made me ill, I > take > anti-depressants due to the constant rows and deceit. > Well you have a few choices… > you can keep treating her as a child, and you will have a child on your > hands for the rest of your days. > or you can start treating her as an adult…she’s intelligent enough to > be in college? then it’s time for her to start being independant… > Getting a job would probably be of benefit to her…making her pay her > own way…helping her become self-reliant — i wish that had been done > to me when i was younger… > only drawback for you might be: if she’s saddled with adult > expectations, then she should be treated with adult respect. that means > if she doesn’t want to wash her hands, it’s not your affair.  Learning > comes from being allowed to screw up…sometimes it comes quickly, > sometimes it takes years…but we don’t learn unless you give us the > freedom to do good and bad without interference. > It sounds like there’s lots of anger in her. Respectfully: Have you > ever sat down and listened to her without judgement? Just let her spew > about whatever without trying to dump your 2 cents in before she gets > it all out? > I do not know which way to turn, my husband has had enough and has > said she > leaves if she does not start to behave, I am inclined to agree but > she is my > daughter!! > Her dad does not want to know her and hasn’t done for quite some > time. > Maybe that’s the root of her anger? > donawanaa > It > is a battle every day with her, I literally need to spell out to her > all > things, everyday things that need doing, I cannot take any more.  She > lies, > teases and physically hurts and verbally abuses her sisters, they need > protecting as does my husband. > WHAT CAN I DO? > — > "It’s a dog-eat-dog world, > and I’m wearing MilkBone underwear" — Norm from Cheers

Thanks for replying.  Yes we do talk, in depth, on a regular basis.  She has a job, she does pay her way and is treated and at times does act like a responsible adult, but once in a while she reverts back, with a vengence.  I do not doubt there is a deep rooted problem and anger in her directed at both her stepdad and myself, and at her dad. Thanks

Response:

more useful feedback from the moronic steve, is that a sloped forehead I see on you steve? i am sure a witty comeback is on the way – can you think of any good stevie???? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Please help, I am getting so desperate now.  My 16 yr old daughter is > driving me to dispair.  She refuses to wash until I physically make her, > Since she’s in COLLEGE, you stupid troll, that should be something to > watch, the two of you!! > I > need to remind her to wash her hands after going to the loo, > Shit, lady, more than half of us don’t do THAT every time! > she leaves > bloodstained underwear from periods in handbags, under the bed, in clean > clothes drawers, all dirty washing is left on the floor in her room, > Sounds like SOME asshole tried to force her to do laundry. This is what > happens when you dishonor someone by trying to FORCE them to do > laundry!! You should SHOW them ONCE how to do it by LETTING them help > you, and then they will WANT to do it for themself! > she > takes other peoples items without asking and generally breaks them ( she has > 2 younger sisters), > Sounds like she feels and has always felt that something you did to her > was unfair! > she smokes ok I can’t stop that but I have forbid it in > the house but that causes arguments, she constantly lies to me, I know some > of the lies are only small but they are still lies, she also fabricates > things that happen in the home between her and her step dad and myself. > She learned to lie to get around you because she felt you were abusing > her. If she thought so then *I’m* sure that you WERE!! Your children are > your judges!! > I > could go on and on. > And probably do. >  She is curently at college and beginning to take all we > do for granted, constantly demanding money which we do not have so we cannot > give it but she goads and goads and goads me, it has made me ill, I take > anti-depressants due to the constant rows and deceit. > In other words you keep trying to control her and then wonder why that > doesn’t work anymore. Actually it NEVER worked, and this is your reward > for abusing her with your crap all these years. Or didn’t you realize > that? > I do not know which way to turn, my husband has had enough and has said she > leaves if she does not start to behave, I am inclined to agree but she is my > daughter!! > Husbands who don’t know their children are irrelevant. If you’re still > fucking the guy then threaten to stop. He’ll shut right up. > Her dad does not want to know her and hasn’t done for quite some

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> How did I ever guess!?? > It > is a battle every day with her, I literally need to spell out to her all > things, everyday things that need doing, I cannot take any more. > If you like battling and like her hating your fucking guts, then just > keep it up!! If you want to ever know her as an adult friend then stop > your controlling CRAP NOW, and you might have a tiny hope of it!! > She lies, > teases and physically hurts and verbally abuses her sisters, they need > protecting as does my husband. > WHAT CAN I DO? > Kids who were treat nicely as children love their parents and want to > make them proud of themn, while accomplishing things that they wish to > pursue. > If your daughter isn’t nice to you then you must have treated her like > real shit, the same way she is treating you now! > Steve

Response:

> more useful feedback from the moronic steve, > is that a sloped forehead I see on you steve? > i am sure a witty comeback is on the way – can you think > of any good stevie????

I read steve quite a bit…he may tend toward inflammatory responses…but most of his advice seems fairly wise…just a thought. donawanaa – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > Please help, I am getting so desperate now.  My 16 yr old daughter > is > > driving me to dispair.  She refuses to wash until I physically make > her, > Since she’s in COLLEGE, you stupid troll, that should be something to > watch, the two of you!! > > I > > need to remind her to wash her hands after going to the loo, > Shit, lady, more than half of us don’t do THAT every time! > > she leaves > > bloodstained underwear from periods in handbags, under the bed, in > clean > > clothes drawers, all dirty washing is left on the floor in her room, > Sounds like SOME asshole tried to force her to do laundry. This is > what > happens when you dishonor someone by trying to FORCE them to do > laundry!! You should SHOW them ONCE how to do it by LETTING them help > you, and then they will WANT to do it for themself! > > she > > takes other peoples items without asking and generally breaks them > ( she has > > 2 younger sisters), > Sounds like she feels and has always felt that something you did to > her > was unfair! > > she smokes ok I can’t stop that but I have forbid it in > > the house but that causes arguments, she constantly lies to me, I > know some > > of the lies are only small but they are still lies, she also > fabricates > > things that happen in the home between her and her step dad and > myself. > She learned to lie to get around you because she felt you were abusing > her. If she thought so then *I’m* sure that you WERE!! Your children > are > your judges!! > > I > > could go on and on. > And probably do. > >  She is curently at college and beginning to take all we > > do for granted, constantly demanding money which we do not have so > we cannot > > give it but she goads and goads and goads me, it has made me ill, I > take > > anti-depressants due to the constant rows and deceit. > In other words you keep trying to control her and then wonder why that > doesn’t work anymore. Actually it NEVER worked, and this is your > reward > for abusing her with your crap all these years. Or didn’t you realize > that? > > I do not know which way to turn, my husband has had enough and has > said she > > leaves if she does not start to behave, I am inclined to agree but > she is my > > daughter!! > Husbands who don’t know their children are irrelevant. If you’re still > fucking the guy then threaten to stop. He’ll shut right up. > > Her dad does not want to know her and hasn’t done for quite some > How did I ever guess!?? > > It > > is a battle every day with her, I literally need to spell out to > her all > > things, everyday things that need doing, I cannot take any more. > If you like battling and like her hating your fucking guts, then just > keep it up!! If you want to ever know her as an adult friend then stop > your controlling CRAP NOW, and you might have a tiny hope of it!! > > She lies, > > teases and physically hurts and verbally abuses her sisters, they > need > > protecting as does my husband. > > WHAT CAN I DO? > Kids who were treat nicely as children love their parents and want to > make them proud of themn, while accomplishing things that they wish to > pursue. > If your daughter isn’t nice to you then you must have treated her like > real shit, the same way she is treating you now! > Steve

– "It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m wearing MilkBone underwear" — Norm from Cheers

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Please help, I am getting so desperate now.  My 16 yr old daughter is > driving me to dispair.  She refuses to wash until I physically make her, I > need to remind her to wash her hands after going to the loo, she leaves > bloodstained underwear from periods in handbags, under the bed, in clean > clothes drawers, all dirty washing is left on the floor in her room, she > takes other peoples items without asking and generally breaks them ( she has > 2 younger sisters), she smokes ok I can’t stop that but I have forbid it in > the house but that causes arguments, she constantly lies to me, I know some > of the lies are only small but they are still lies, she also fabricates > things that happen in the home between her and her step dad and

myself. I > could go on and on.  She is curently at college and beginning to take all we > do for granted, constantly demanding money which we do not have so we cannot > give it but she goads and goads and goads me, it has made me ill, I take > anti-depressants due to the constant rows and deceit.

Well you have a few choices… you can keep treating her as a child, and you will have a child on your hands for the rest of your days. or you can start treating her as an adult…she’s intelligent enough to be in college? then it’s time for her to start being independant… Getting a job would probably be of benefit to her…making her pay her own way…helping her become self-reliant — i wish that had been done to me when i was younger… only drawback for you might be: if she’s saddled with adult expectations, then she should be treated with adult respect. that means if she doesn’t want to wash her hands, it’s not your affair.  Learning comes from being allowed to screw up…sometimes it comes quickly, sometimes it takes years…but we don’t learn unless you give us the freedom to do good and bad without interference. It sounds like there’s lots of anger in her. Respectfully: Have you ever sat down and listened to her without judgement? Just let her spew about whatever without trying to dump your 2 cents in before she gets it all out? > I do not know which way to turn, my husband has had enough and has said she > leaves if she does not start to behave, I am inclined to agree but she is my > daughter!! > Her dad does not want to know her and hasn’t done for quite some

time. Maybe that’s the root of her anger? donawanaa It > is a battle every day with her, I literally need to spell out to her all > things, everyday things that need doing, I cannot take any more.  She lies, > teases and physically hurts and verbally abuses her sisters, they need > protecting as does my husband. > WHAT CAN I DO?

– "It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m wearing MilkBone underwear" — Norm from Cheers

Response:

> Please help, I am getting so desperate now.  My 16 yr old daughter is > driving me to dispair.  She refuses to wash until I physically make her,

Since she’s in COLLEGE, you stupid troll, that should be something to watch, the two of you!! > I > need to remind her to wash her hands after going to the loo,

Shit, lady, more than half of us don’t do THAT every time! > she leaves > bloodstained underwear from periods in handbags, under the bed, in clean > clothes drawers, all dirty washing is left on the floor in her room,

Sounds like SOME asshole tried to force her to do laundry. This is what happens when you dishonor someone by trying to FORCE them to do laundry!! You should SHOW them ONCE how to do it by LETTING them help you, and then they will WANT to do it for themself! > she > takes other peoples items without asking and generally breaks them ( she has > 2 younger sisters),

Sounds like she feels and has always felt that something you did to her was unfair! > she smokes ok I can’t stop that but I have forbid it in > the house but that causes arguments, she constantly lies to me, I know some > of the lies are only small but they are still lies, she also fabricates > things that happen in the home between her and her step dad and myself.

She learned to lie to get around you because she felt you were abusing her. If she thought so then *I’m* sure that you WERE!! Your children are your judges!! > I > could go on and on.

And probably do. >  She is curently at college and beginning to take all we > do for granted, constantly demanding money which we do not have so we cannot > give it but she goads and goads and goads me, it has made me ill, I take > anti-depressants due to the constant rows and deceit.

In other words you keep trying to control her and then wonder why that doesn’t work anymore. Actually it NEVER worked, and this is your reward for abusing her with your crap all these years. Or didn’t you realize that? > I do not know which way to turn, my husband has had enough and has said she > leaves if she does not start to behave, I am inclined to agree but she is my > daughter!!

Husbands who don’t know their children are irrelevant. If you’re still fucking the guy then threaten to stop. He’ll shut right up.

How did I ever guess!?? > It > is a battle every day with her, I literally need to spell out to her all > things, everyday things that need doing, I cannot take any more.

If you like battling and like her hating your fucking guts, then just keep it up!! If you want to ever know her as an adult friend then stop your controlling CRAP NOW, and you might have a tiny hope of it!! > She lies, > teases and physically hurts and verbally abuses her sisters, they need > protecting as does my husband. > WHAT CAN I DO?

Kids who were treat nicely as children love their parents and want to make them proud of themn, while accomplishing things that they wish to pursue. If your daughter isn’t nice to you then you must have treated her like real shit, the same way she is treating you now! Steve

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Please help, I am getting so desperate now.  My 16 yr old daughter is > driving me to dispair.  She refuses to wash until I physically make her, I > need to remind her to wash her hands after going to the loo, she leaves > bloodstained underwear from periods in handbags, under the bed, in clean > clothes drawers, all dirty washing is left on the floor in her room, she > takes other peoples items without asking and generally breaks them ( she has > 2 younger sisters), she smokes ok I can’t stop that but I have forbid it in > the house but that causes arguments, she constantly lies to me, I know some > of the lies are only small but they are still lies, she also fabricates > things that happen in the home between her and her step dad and myself.  I > could go on and on.  She is curently at college and beginning to take all we > do for granted, constantly demanding money which we do not have so we cannot > give it but she goads and goads and goads me, it has made me ill, I take > anti-depressants due to the constant rows and deceit. > I do not know which way to turn, my husband has had enough and has said she > leaves if she does not start to behave, I am inclined to agree but she is my > daughter!! > Her dad does not want to know her and hasn’t done for quite some time.  It > is a battle every day with her, I literally need to spell out to her all > things, everyday things that need doing, I cannot take any more.  She lies, > teases and physically hurts and verbally abuses her sisters, they need > protecting as does my husband. > WHAT CAN I DO?

From what you are describing of her behavior she *may* be presenting signs of a mental illness and you should consider having a psychological evaluation utilizing projective and personality testing completed with her. Then base your decisions on what the recommendations are. Secondly, if your daughter is assaulting people the victims ought to give serious consideration to calling law enforcement.  Allowing her to continue to behave that way without trying to get consequences for her improper behavior is only reinforcing it. If you don’t have clear household rules spelled out, with clear, logical consequences related to violations of household rules, develop them with your husband, present them to the family and consistently implement them as needed.  Keep them simple [under ten usually] and the consequences related directly to the infraction and something which the kids are capable of completing [no six months on restriction kind of stuff as that is too long a time period for most kids to see them living through, let alone complying with a sanction for].  Initially things should get worse [yes, I said worse].  Be consistent and stick to your guns.  They get better if you do [usually, YMMV somewhat]. I find it odd that a sixteen year old is acting like you describe with her personal hygiene issues yet is in *college*.  How is she able to function in college?  Is she passing/successful or flunking out?  How is it that she is in college at this age? -Aula

Response:

Please help, I am getting so desperate now.  My 16 yr old daughter is driving me to dispair.  She refuses to wash until I physically make her, I need to remind her to wash her hands after going to the loo, she leaves bloodstained underwear from periods in handbags, under the bed, in clean clothes drawers, all dirty washing is left on the floor in her room, she takes other peoples items without asking and generally breaks them ( she has 2 younger sisters), she smokes ok I can’t stop that but I have forbid it in the house but that causes arguments, she constantly lies to me, I know some of the lies are only small but they are still lies, she also fabricates things that happen in the home between her and her step dad and myself.  I could go on and on.  She is curently at college and beginning to take all we do for granted, constantly demanding money which we do not have so we cannot give it but she goads and goads and goads me, it has made me ill, I take anti-depressants due to the constant rows and deceit. I do not know which way to turn, my husband has had enough and has said she leaves if she does not start to behave, I am inclined to agree but she is my daughter!! Her dad does not want to know her and hasn’t done for quite some time.  It is a battle every day with her, I literally need to spell out to her all things, everyday things that need doing, I cannot take any more.  She lies, teases and physically hurts and verbally abuses her sisters, they need protecting as does my husband. WHAT CAN I DO?

Response:

Sell her to gypsies.

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Please help, I am getting so desperate now.  My 16 yr old daughter is > driving me to dispair.  She refuses to wash until I physically make her, I > need to remind her to wash her hands after going to the loo, she leaves > bloodstained underwear from periods in handbags, under the bed, in clean > clothes drawers, all dirty washing is left on the floor in her room, she > takes other peoples items without asking and generally breaks them ( she has > 2 younger sisters), she smokes ok I can’t stop that but I have forbid it in > the house but that causes arguments, she constantly lies to me, I know some > of the lies are only small but they are still lies, she also fabricates > things that happen in the home between her and her step dad and myself.  I > could go on and on.  She is curently at college and beginning to take all we > do for granted, constantly demanding money which we do not have so we cannot > give it but she goads and goads and goads me, it has made me ill, I take > anti-depressants due to the constant rows and deceit. > I do not know which way to turn, my husband has had enough and has said she > leaves if she does not start to behave, I am inclined to agree but she is my > daughter!! > Her dad does not want to know her and hasn’t done for quite some time.  It > is a battle every day with her, I literally need to spell out to her all > things, everyday things that need doing, I cannot take any more.  She lies, > teases and physically hurts and verbally abuses her sisters, they need > protecting as does my husband. > WHAT CAN I DO?

Response: