Question:
: > : > I don’t think that shaving is a big deal. With the new disposable safety : > razors, there isn’t even much chance of razor burn. If she DOES manage to : > remove a bit of hide, it will be a good lesson about some of the : > drawbacks of having to shave. : Speaking of a bit of hide… I got the bright idea to shave my legs without : asking my mother to use her razor when I was about 12 I suppose. I didn’t : have the correct angle or maybe the razor was dull, but I took of a 3" piece : of top skin off and didn’t realize it until it started bleeding. I gave up : shaving until I had to. I’d bet money that is the story of most first shaves. My first time out, I didn’t realize that one needn’t shave the archilles tendon. Shaved the top layer of skin off the back of my leg. Didn’t shave there again.
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> > ps. teens are harder to raise — but they are much more interesting > than little kids — and they get better as young adults. Don’t miss > out on life’s great gift – a daughter – by writing her off as a fallen > woman because she wears clothes you don’t like. > Nevertheless, the thought of my little girl turning into an actual > *teenager* some day is enough to strike terror into my heart!!! > — > Linda
My 19 year old just got home from her first year of college last night. For all the delight of a little girl there is nothing as thrilling as having a grown daughter — It is an indescribable pleasure. Don’t worry — the best is yet ahead. k
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I don’t think that shaving is a big deal. With the new disposable safety razors, there isn’t even much chance of razor burn. If she DOES manage to remove a bit of hide, it will be a good lesson about some of the drawbacks of having to shave. Tell her that if she starts, she has to keep it up? Na, I don’t think so. It makes no difference wether she chooses to keep doing it or not. The only problem that I have with the entire issue is that SOME of the other girls will use shaving or make-up as a way to apply subtle social pressure to conform. I had only scant leg hair, but can remember one bitchy girl who could come over just give me a hard time because she shaved and I didn’t. At the time, it made me sad that she would behave that way, but I had no idea of what to do about her. I started shaving. It would have been better if I could have gone to a teacher or my parents, got the peer pressure thing straightened out in my own mind.
: My daughters began shaving around the age of 10. In the pre-puberty phase, : they seemed to get more leg hair, and this was before the underarm hair : came in. From your description of your daughter, I’d say go ahead and let : her shave since she obviously is quite hairy and it seems to be affecting : her self esteem, is self-conscious about it, and is being teased. I don’t : see any harm in shaving a little early. Before that first shave, though, : I’d explain to her that once she starts, it is something she will have to : keep up with on a regular basis. Some girls may want to start shaving but : are not prepared to put up with it on a daily or every-other-day basis. It : becomes a bother very quickly (as we all know) ;-). : PS – Be sure to stock up on Band-Aids! : Margaret
: > >Unfortunately, I was shaving : > >by the age of 10 ’cause if I hadn’t been I would have looked like a : gorilla. : > : > I was wondering at what age girls were shaving nowadays. My 8 year old : > daughter is begging me to let her start shaving. I’m half way tempted : because : > she is VERY hairy. She was born hairy. Had hair on her back and : shoulders : > even when she was born. It’s very fine, but all over her body, plus : it’s dark : > hair, so very noticable. Some kids tease her when she wears shorts. Any : > recommendations? Should I teach her to shave? : > Barbara : >
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> I don’t think that shaving is a big deal. With the new disposable safety > razors, there isn’t even much chance of razor burn. If she DOES manage to > remove a bit of hide, it will be a good lesson about some of the > drawbacks of having to shave.
Speaking of a bit of hide… I got the bright idea to shave my legs without asking my mother to use her razor when I was about 12 I suppose. I didn’t have the correct angle or maybe the razor was dull, but I took of a 3" piece of top skin off and didn’t realize it until it started bleeding. I gave up shaving until I had to.
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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi! I am looking for feedback and input on my situation with my 11 year old > daughter. She is a bright (good grades – great sense of humor), talented > (honor band flute player), attractive (not being too partial) and fun to be > around. She’s outgoing and has many friends. She also has a long history > with me of lying. Additionally, she will take things – mostly food items > (cookies out of the cookie jar, candy out of MY Christmas stocking, ice > pops out of the freezer, chips, etc.), but also I have noticed some loose > change missing lately. > Today, I came across 2 tubes of lipsticks in her room. (I have not allowed > her to wear make-up. I think she’s too young — 5th grade. I also did not > allow her to start shaving, but her friend gave her a disposable razor > which I found in the bathroom.) My son (10)admitted to me that he has seen > her wearing lipstick at school. Additionally, he told me she brings clothes > in her backpack, changes at school, then changes again before getting on > the bus to come home. > I feel that my trust for her has been abused and violated. I’m angry, hurt, > and most of all, I’m sad for her that she has developed these habits that > make for a lifestyle full of bad choices. I also feel guilty that I haven’t > noticed the sneaking around and stealing things before now, and that I have > been completely unaware of this "glamour girl" personae she has at school. > We can try to set standards of style — but we also have to recognize > that they are independent people whose schedules of development and tastes > and peer groups are not our own. > You run a great danger by all your ‘ sad disappointment’ in pushing her > into really dangerous behavior. Why should YOU decide when she shaves > her legs? If her peers are doing it, why should she feel like a geek? > A lot of this is rather trivial and has to do with personal autonomy — > You get to change her, and cut her hair and pick her clothes when she > is 2 — but at 11, she is on the edge of actual personhood — and needs > some respect. Compromise is in order. The boundaries need to be wide > enough to give her some control over what she wears and how she presents > herself at least some of the time. > I remember my mother telling me about how as a child she was forced to > wear long johns to school because she was sickly and had a lot of pneumonia. > She was so humiliated in those long johns amongst all the bobby socks — > so she took to stopping in the bushes on the way to school and rolling > her long johns up above her knees and her long socks down into ‘bobby > socks’ — got thrashed with a switch when one of her brothers ratted on > her [and then her mother made her wear bobby socks to school so everyone > could see the stripes on her legs from the whipping -- wonderful times!]
I know that feeling. I wish I’d been a ‘glamour girl’ for about five minutes; maybe I wouldn’t be a 40-year-old galumph now. My clothes and hair were always five years behind the times. Still are… How about coming out in the open with this child? Let her know you’re aware of what she’s doing and that you want to help her with the transition from girlhood to womanhood. Maybe channeling the way she presents herself? I don’t think showing her girls with bleached hair and tacky makeup will do it. Maybe the other approach would be better–show her how it’s tastefully done so that she can feel good about herself. Take her out for a day of beauty. Show her pictures of models who aren’t wearing scads of makeup or outrageous clothes. Give her some goals to shoot for if she follows the rules; when she’s 13 (or whatever age you’re comfortable with) she can wear lipstick, when she’s 14, whatever… Offer to let her have a "glamour girl" sleepover, where the girls can get together in a friendly environment and do their hair, their nails, play with makeup, and in general begin to feel like they’re growing up. My girlfriend gave my Kelly, who’s only 8, a little girl’s makeup kit–I allow her to use it, but only in the house. It has to be wiped off before she leaves. Clear lip gloss is ok, though. > Recognize that your daughter is growing up and that there are much > more important issues in the next 6 or 7 years than if she wears > lipstick — Grant her some respect and some autonomy and decide what > really matters and what doesn’t — If you want her not in cars driven > by boys who have been drinking, or in at a certain curfew — or to > respect property and not steal change around the house — then don’t > waste you dramatic sighs and ‘disappointment’ on something as trivial > as style. You need to think it through and then talk to this young > women about ground rules and your concern for her safety etc. It > won’t happen if you overreact to the normal signs of personal development.
I wouldn’t tolerate the lying and stealing, either. That’s a different issue than makeup. > ps. teens are harder to raise — but they are much more interesting > than little kids — and they get better as young adults. Don’t miss > out on life’s great gift – a daughter – by writing her off as a fallen > woman because she wears clothes you don’t like.
Nevertheless, the thought of my little girl turning into an actual *teenager* some day is enough to strike terror into my heart!!! — Linda I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
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In article > "Another thing you might do is go to an underclass area, and find one of > the local girls who wears too much make-up. Plant the idea in your child’s > head that THAT negative image is what too many teens look like in make-up. > " > Elaine, What is this?? Go to an "under class" area?? This issue has > nothing whatsoever to do with "class"..Most young girls of any class (and > many adults too of any class for that matter) do not know hoe ot apply > make-up and often think that more is better..I just cannot believe you > said this..C
And beyond this — since one of the functions of asserting one’s independence in make up and dress is to annoy mothers like the original poster who are very controlling and want to direct their children as if they were still 5 years old, then pointing out and ridiculing a style is a pretty good prescription for having the rebelious child imitate that exact style. A bemused tolerance is much less likely to cause the child to be oppositional — if they aren’t getting mom hysterical they are more likely to find a positive rather than oppositional way of asserting their independence and selfhood. Elaine must never have raised a teenager if she thinks ridiculing the way some teens look will line the child up on the side of the parent. [and that goes double for showing distaste in their choice of boyfriend -- as the Fantasticks so aptly pointed out 'tell her he's a creep and then -you've got a son in law!!!']
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>Unfortunately, I was shaving >by the age of 10 ’cause if I hadn’t been I would have looked like a gorilla.
I was wondering at what age girls were shaving nowadays. My 8 year old daughter is begging me to let her start shaving. I’m half way tempted because she is VERY hairy. She was born hairy. Had hair on her back and shoulders even when she was born. It’s very fine, but all over her body, plus it’s dark hair, so very noticable. Some kids tease her when she wears shorts. Any recommendations? Should I teach her to shave? Barbara
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My daughters began shaving around the age of 10. In the pre-puberty phase, they seemed to get more leg hair, and this was before the underarm hair came in. From your description of your daughter, I’d say go ahead and let her shave since she obviously is quite hairy and it seems to be affecting her self esteem, is self-conscious about it, and is being teased. I don’t see any harm in shaving a little early. Before that first shave, though, I’d explain to her that once she starts, it is something she will have to keep up with on a regular basis. Some girls may want to start shaving but are not prepared to put up with it on a daily or every-other-day basis. It becomes a bother very quickly (as we all know) ;-). PS – Be sure to stock up on Band-Aids! Margaret – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Unfortunately, I was shaving >by the age of 10 ’cause if I hadn’t been I would have looked like a gorilla. > I was wondering at what age girls were shaving nowadays. My 8 year old > daughter is begging me to let her start shaving. I’m half way tempted because > she is VERY hairy. She was born hairy. Had hair on her back and shoulders > even when she was born. It’s very fine, but all over her body, plus it’s dark > hair, so very noticable. Some kids tease her when she wears shorts. Any > recommendations? Should I teach her to shave? > Barbara
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: I was 11 many, many, many years ago and remember doing : similar things. It is a very difficult age. She is trying to be "cool" and : fit it with her friends at school. 11 is to young to wear make-up. Adolecents can be surprisingly rigid and harsh. If one girl gets the idea that make-up is going to make her "cool" she can apply a lot of peer pressure to get other girls to do the same. That threat of not seeming "cool" enough can put the fear of god into a girl that she might not be popular if she doesn’t comply. She might not even like make-up, nor wish to use it. If she has the idea that make-up will be the road to popularity, she will feel a compulsion to use it. : At the same time, her mother is telling her : that she can’t do the things that she thinks she needs to do to be "cool" and : fit in (wear makeup, shave, etc.) I bet she doesn’t believe she is deceiving : you and I also don’t think that she is "developing habits that : make for a lifestyle full of bad choices". It seems like a very good oportunity to demonstrate to a girl that it’s important not to let others put a lot of pressure on you to do things. Today, her peers are pressuring her about the make-up. Tommorow they’ll be competing to see who is having sex. Teach her to stand up for herself, and say that she is confident enough to know that her REAL friends will like her the same with or without make-up. : She is merely trying to do what is : expected of her both from you and from her friends at school. Yes, that’s it exactly. It’s not so much that she wants to defy her mother, but that she is getting pulled in opposite directions. Mom would do well to help her see that it’s not a good thing to get jerked into doing things on a dare, or because someone else is doing it, and doesn’t want to look like a jerk out there doing it alone. : Pre-adolescence : is a very hard time. I wouldn’t aggravate it by making too big a deal out of : all this as I do believe it is a passing stage. Passing, yes, but an important time too. A real friend wouldn’t be pressuring to do things that will get you into hot water with your parents. Saying no to pushy aquaintances now can mean being able to say NO when they start offering more dangerous things than make-up. : > Hi! I am looking for feedback and input on my situation with my 11 year old : > daughter. She is a bright (good grades – great sense of humor), talented : > (honor band flute player), attractive (not being too partial) and fun to be : > around. She’s outgoing and has many friends. She also has a long history : > with me of lying. Additionally, she will take things – mostly food items : > (cookies out of the cookie jar, candy out of MY Christmas stocking, ice : > pops out of the freezer, chips, etc.), but also I have noticed some loose : > change missing lately. : > : > Today, I came across 2 tubes of lipsticks in her room. (I have not allowed : > her to wear make-up. I think she’s too young — 5th grade. I also did not : > allow her to start shaving, but her friend gave her a disposable razor : > which I found in the bathroom.) My son (10)admitted to me that he has seen : > her wearing lipstick at school. Additionally, he told me she brings clothes : > in her backpack, changes at school, then changes again before getting on : > the bus to come home. : > : > I feel that my trust for her has been abused and violated. I’m angry, hurt, : > and most of all, I’m sad for her that she has developed these habits that : > make for a lifestyle full of bad choices. I also feel guilty that I haven’t : > noticed the sneaking around and stealing things before now, and that I have : > been completely unaware of this "glamour girl" personae she has at school. : > : > Any constructive input is more than welcome. : > : > Rosebrook
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– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Hi! I am looking for feedback and input on my situation with my 11 year old > daughter. She is a bright (good grades – great sense of humor), talented > (honor band flute player), attractive (not being too partial) and fun to be > around. She’s outgoing and has many friends. She also has a long history > with me of lying. Additionally, she will take things – mostly food items > (cookies out of the cookie jar, candy out of MY Christmas stocking, ice > pops out of the freezer, chips, etc.), but also I have noticed some loose > change missing lately. > Today, I came across 2 tubes of lipsticks in her room. (I have not allowed > her to wear make-up. I think she’s too young — 5th grade. I also did not > allow her to start shaving, but her friend gave her a disposable razor > which I found in the bathroom.) My son (10)admitted to me that he has seen > her wearing lipstick at school. Additionally, he told me she brings clothes > in her backpack, changes at school, then changes again before getting on > the bus to come home. > I feel that my trust for her has been abused and violated. I’m angry, hurt, > and most of all, I’m sad for her that she has developed these habits that > make for a lifestyle full of bad choices. I also feel guilty that I haven’t > noticed the sneaking around and stealing things before now, and that I have > been completely unaware of this "glamour girl" personae she has at school. > Any constructive input is more than welcome. > Rosebrook
I think you are making an EMORMOUS mistake by labeling this child — ‘glamour girl’ ’sneak’ ‘bad lifestyle’ yadda yadda. You talk about her as if you think her doomed to sluthood, when in fact she is just doing what many girls on the edge of puberty have always done — tried to be grownup when Mommy is trying to keep you babyish. I don’t disagree with your desire to keep the brakes on blossoming interest in teen styles, boys and make up — but don’t act as if your child is corrupt because she is developing on a schedule different from your fantasy. We can try to set standards of style — but we also have to recognize that they are independent people whose schedules of development and tastes and peer groups are not our own. She is entering the period when girls often totally break from intimacy with their mothers as they try to develop their own identity — acceptance and love — even bemused acceptance of the make up etc — is more likely to keep you close than this judgmental, rather hysterical response to growing up. This attitude will result in her hiding herself from you as she is already doing. You run a great danger by all your ‘ sad disappointment’ in pushing her into really dangerous behavior. Why should YOU decide when she shaves her legs? If her peers are doing it, why should she feel like a geek? A lot of this is rather trivial and has to do with personal autonomy — You get to change her, and cut her hair and pick her clothes when she is 2 — but at 11, she is on the edge of actual personhood — and needs some respect. Compromise is in order. The boundaries need to be wide enough to give her some control over what she wears and how she presents herself at least some of the time. I remember my mother telling me about how as a child she was forced to wear long johns to school because she was sickly and had a lot of pneumonia. She was so humiliated in those long johns amongst all the bobby socks — so she took to stopping in the bushes on the way to school and rolling her long johns up above her knees and her long socks down into ‘bobby socks’ — got thrashed with a switch when one of her brothers ratted on her [and then her mother made her wear bobby socks to school so everyone could see the stripes on her legs from the whipping -- wonderful times!] Even in this strict fundamentalist depression era family, a shy strictly brought up child felt forced to ’sneak’ and play the ‘glamour girl’ when her mother forced her to appear at school among her peers in this embarrassing attire. Recognize that your daughter is growing up and that there are much more important issues in the next 6 or 7 years than if she wears lipstick — Grant her some respect and some autonomy and decide what really matters and what doesn’t — If you want her not in cars driven by boys who have been drinking, or in at a certain curfew — or to respect property and not steal change around the house — then don’t waste you dramatic sighs and ‘disappointment’ on something as trivial as style. You need to think it through and then talk to this young women about ground rules and your concern for her safety etc. It won’t happen if you overreact to the normal signs of personal development. You need to recognize that working with a teen is much tougher than bossing around a child — and it is much more important to retain respect if you want to exercise some control. k ps. teens are harder to raise — but they are much more interesting than little kids — and they get better as young adults. Don’t miss out on life’s great gift – a daughter – by writing her off as a fallen woman because she wears clothes you don’t like.
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I have a 2 1/2 year old son so I don’t have much experience mothering an 11 year old girl. However, I was 11 many, many, many years ago and remember doing similar things. It is a very difficult age. She is trying to be "cool" and fit it with her friends at school. At the same time, her mother is telling her that she can’t do the things that she thinks she needs to do to be "cool" and fit in (wear makeup, shave, etc.) I bet she doesn’t believe she is deceiving you and I also don’t think that she is "developing habits that make for a lifestyle full of bad choices". She is merely trying to do what is expected of her both from you and from her friends at school. Pre-adolescence is a very hard time. I wouldn’t aggravate it by making too big a deal out of all this as I do believe it is a passing stage. Maddy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Hi! I am looking for feedback and input on my situation with my 11 year old > daughter. She is a bright (good grades – great sense of humor), talented > (honor band flute player), attractive (not being too partial) and fun to be > around. She’s outgoing and has many friends. She also has a long history > with me of lying. Additionally, she will take things – mostly food items > (cookies out of the cookie jar, candy out of MY Christmas stocking, ice > pops out of the freezer, chips, etc.), but also I have noticed some loose > change missing lately. > Today, I came across 2 tubes of lipsticks in her room. (I have not allowed > her to wear make-up. I think she’s too young — 5th grade. I also did not > allow her to start shaving, but her friend gave her a disposable razor > which I found in the bathroom.) My son (10)admitted to me that he has seen > her wearing lipstick at school. Additionally, he told me she brings clothes > in her backpack, changes at school, then changes again before getting on > the bus to come home. > I feel that my trust for her has been abused and violated. I’m angry, hurt, > and most of all, I’m sad for her that she has developed these habits that > make for a lifestyle full of bad choices. I also feel guilty that I haven’t > noticed the sneaking around and stealing things before now, and that I have > been completely unaware of this "glamour girl" personae she has at school. > Any constructive input is more than welcome. > Rosebrook
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>Additionally, she will take things – mostly food items >(cookies out of the cookie jar, candy out of MY Christmas stocking, ice >pops out of the freezer, chips, etc.), but also I have noticed some loose >change missing lately.
I wouldn’t worry about the food items. I would say this is a battle not worth fighting. I would just make a rule that says no food right before dinner so her appetite isn’t gone. >Today, I came across 2 tubes of lipsticks in her room. (I have not allowed >her to wear make-up. I think she’s too young — 5th grade. I also did not >allow her to start shaving, but her friend gave her a disposable razor >which I found in the bathroom.) My son (10)admitted to me that he has seen >her wearing lipstick at school. Additionally, he told me she brings clothes >in her backpack, changes at school, then changes again before getting on >the bus to come home.
I wanted to wear make-up in 5th grade too, but my Mom didn’t approve. We compromised – I wore powder and lip gloss. This made me feel "big", and my Mom was okay ’cause it didn’t really show. 
Unfortunately, I was shaving by the age of 10 ’cause if I hadn’t been I would have looked like a gorilla. 
But, I also started my period at the age of 9 1/2, so… She may just feel self-conscience about the hair on her legs. If you sit her down and talk with her she may just tell you why she wants to do all of these things. >I feel that my trust for her has been abused and violated. I’m angry, hurt, >and most of all, I’m sad for her that she has developed these habits that >make for a lifestyle full of bad choices. I also feel guilty that I haven’t >noticed the sneaking around and stealing things before now, and that I have >been completely unaware of this "glamour girl" personae she has at school.
Those are normal feelings. I think that she is old enough to sit her down and talk to her about them – let her know that her lying has hurt you and made you feel like you can’t trust her. If you do go this route though, make sure she understands that even though you are hurt and feel you can’t trust her RIGHT NOW (make sure she knows she can gain back your trust by just being honest) that you still LOVE HER – and that will NEVER change – VERY IMPORTANT!!! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Any constructive input is more than welcome. >Rosebrook
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Unlike Elaine below, I think I’d fight battles on safety issues. I believe an 11yo is unsafe w/ a razor; ergo, no shaving. Also, it’s *easy* to check her compliance–simply look for stubs & then hair on her legs. My mother gave me an age or grade when that would be allowable, so it gave me something to look forward to. (Like craving a driver’s license). A little cosmetics isn’t as much of a problem to me. U might wanna compromise on just lip gloss. Again, give her an age/grade/time-frame when more is allowable & exactly *how much* is allowable. Then, on that sacred day, take her out explicitly to shop for agreeable eye shadow, mascara, etc. Of course, if she doesn’t comply w/ your wishes on this, then the sacred make-up shopping spree is OFF. Let her know this. I betcha she’s still young enough to not rebel, to not be stupid enough to blow-it. She’s probably still pretty concerned about what U think of her & still wishes to please U first & foremost. Your daughter sounds impulsive, w/ the food taking & $$ lifting, & this is typical for an adolescent. She’s sounds like the leader of the pack, too. I think U better start *now* talking…..& more importantly, listening, about what is important to her & what she can do w/ your approval, even assistance. Don’t compromise on principles, but on matters of opinion it might be best that U do where reason allows. Let her know what you’d prefer, & what you’re willing to minimally accept. If U end-up compromising on something w/o a good gut feeling, then let her know that U are doing it under those pretences & that your decision is subject to sudden revocation if the results are in anyway negative/harmful/disrespectful/etc. If U are honest about your feelings, what & how you’re thinking on a particular issue, then she’ll be more inclined to do the same, PARTICULARLY if this "thinking/sharing outloud" is done w/o emotion, rebuke or condescention. (Your last paragraph is pretty good, just keep the delivery sincere, unemotional/calm, not heated/angry). Of course, as with any child, just discipline must follow if promises aren’t kept, agreements are ignored or known rules disobeyed–esp w/ flare. On this, ONE incident improperly handled can snowball, set a bad precedent that will diminish your power in further hassles/battles, perhaps for a long time (& lower your son’s respect, too). At this point, perhaps some old groundrules need to be calmly/firmly reiterated, new groundrules established–perhaps w/ her input, & consequences determined & acknowledged. Honesty from here on out MUST be a requisite groundrule & admissions shouldn’t be as harshly punished. Personally, I’d get her to admit to what U know she’s done–get it out in the open, but not in a hostile way; rather, more as a "let’s come clean & quit playing these games" dialogue, where you’re mostly asking ?s. (Adolescents will listen to a lecture or sermon much more readily if it’s delivered calmly & in Socratic format. Work on stating what U have to say in the form of a ?). I don’t think I’d punish her for what she admits to; I’d let her know that while I’m greatly disappointed w/ her secretive behavior, b/c I know/sense her potential for better things, that I’m glad she finally started acting honestly w/ me. &, that the Golden Rule & "U reap what U sow" will work for & against her w/ regard to liberties granted; but that *love* is always here & never compromised. That’s a much better plc to start on your "new relationship." And remember that Reagan bromide during the "other" Soviet Union, when the Cold War was in it’s last skirmishes: "Trust, but Verify?" Well, I think it is apropos here. Occasionally, pick her up at school instead of allowing her to take the bus. If U want, tell her that you want to spend more one-on-one time w/ her, so you’ll be picking her up from school every once-in-awhile to go shopping, go to a park to talk, go to an early dinner, whatever. That way, she’ll know that U *may* be watching. But, I don’t think U have to tell her this; that’s just an idea to spend more time w/ her while also seeing what she’s up to. If she tells U "U don’t trust me!" answer her honestly; "No, I really want to, but I don’t, not yet–you’ll still have to earn that back." If she gives U any flack for this, then tell her you’ll remind her of her history, if that’s necessary. You’re not holding a grudge or unduly punishing her; you’re her parent–you’re disciplining her, training her to do the right thing in the years to come, for her own best interest. U want to be her friend, but you are also her parent & must balance those coveted roles. The world may not be as understanding, compromising or forgiving. Sheesh, who in their right mind would bet against that? Hope something in this tome helps. Regards, karen ~:-) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi! I am looking for feedback and input on my situation with my 11 yo > daughter. She is a bright (good grades – great sense of humor), talented > (honor band flute player), attractive (not being too partial) and fun to be > around. She’s outgoing and has many friends. She also has a long history > with me of lying. Additionally, she will take things – mostly food items > (cookies out of the cookie jar, candy out of MY Christmas stocking, ice > pops out of the freezer, chips, etc.), but also I have noticed some loose > change missing lately. > Today, I came across 2 tubes of lipstick in her rm. (I have not allowed > her to wear make-up. I think she’s too young — 5th grade. I also did not > allow her to start shaving, but her friend gave her a disposable razor > which I found in the bathroom.) My son (10)admitted to me that he has seen > her wearing lipstick at school. Additionally, he told me she brings clothes > in her backpack, changes at school, then changes again before getting on > the bus to come home. > I feel that my trust for her has been abused and violated. I’m angry, > hurt, and most of all, I’m sad for her that she has developed these habits > that make for a lifestyle full of bad choices. I also feel guilty that I > haven’t noticed the sneaking around and stealing things before now, and
that > I have been completely unaware of this "glamour girl" personae at school. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Any constructive input is more than welcome. > Rosebrook
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> I feel that my trust for her has been abused and violated. I’m angry, hurt, > and most of all, I’m sad for her that she has developed these habits that > make for a lifestyle full of bad choices. I also feel guilty that I haven’t > noticed the sneaking around and stealing things before now, and that I have > been completely unaware of this "glamour girl" personae she has at school. > Any constructive input is more than welcome. > Rosebrook
I don’t think you should feel quilty for not noticing. Don’t get stuck in angry feelings or harsh confrontations. You’ll only make the gap between the two of you wider. Try to accept the current situation ( how difficult it may be) and work towards a solution/compromise. If you can’t beat them, join them. Go shopping with her for make-up or give her some sort of make-up allowance. Anyway, try to be more of a friend than a ‘wise’ parent. Maybe then there won’t be the ‘need’ for her to tell lies because you’re her friend. She’ll feel guilty telling lies to you! Succes. Eric
Response:
: Hi! I am looking for feedback and input on my situation with my 11 year old : daughter. She is a bright (good grades – great sense of humor), talented : (honor band flute player), attractive (not being too partial) and fun to be : around. She’s outgoing and has many friends. She also has a long history : with me of lying. Additionally, she will take things – mostly food items : (cookies out of the cookie jar, candy out of MY Christmas stocking, ice : pops out of the freezer, chips, etc.), but also I have noticed some loose : change missing lately. I think that you set yourself up to feel bad by viewing her habits as lies and or deception. They say to pick your battles. My mother’s policy was that if any of us were hungry, go get a snack. She didn’t have "off limits" items. In fact, the only food restrictions we had were nothing right before dinner, as it would ruin the appetite. How grateful I am that they both had that open kitchen policy. We didn’t play "my stuff/your stuff" with food. It worked out well. : Today, I came across 2 tubes of lipsticks in her room. (I have not allowed : her to wear make-up. I think she’s too young — 5th grade. I don’t like make-up on teens either. Yes I agree that 11 is too young…but what is one to do? You could have a special chat with her, and ask her why she thinks she needs make-up. Tell her how gross you think it is in general, and how young girls don’t need it to look pretty. Another thing you might do is go to an underclass area, and find one of the local girls who wears too much make-up. Plant the idea in your child’s head that THAT negative image is what too many teens look like in make-up. : I also did not : allow her to start shaving, but her friend gave her a disposable razor : which I found in the bathroom.) Again, pick your battles. Agree to not say anything if she chooses to shave. In exchange, get her to agree not to wear the make-up. : My son (10)admitted to me that he has seen : her wearing lipstick at school. Additionally, he told me she brings clothes : in her backpack, changes at school, then changes again before getting on : the bus to come home. I was 14 and in jr.high when many of the tough girls started doing things like this. They’d get "cool" hair, then carry the make-up and cool clothes to school with them. Sometimes, they’d go to a girl’s house who’s parents didn’t care, and change there. I found that these girls also got rather mean once they were decked out in the "cool" personna. A girl who was nice and sweet one summer wouldn’t even speak to me later that school year, because I still wore bows in my hair, didn’t shave, and didn’t wear make-up. I could have, but didn’t want to be a girl like that. Later, I started wearing the make-up, but in retrospect, wish that I hadn’t. : I feel that my trust for her has been abused and violated. You shouldn’t. Your daughter would be very surprised to hear you say that. Kids can have a very distinct double standard. They can lie to your face, but in their hearts, will not "feel" that they lied to you. They’ll say things like that they said what they did becaues they knew that you wouldn’t understand. As the parent, you will just have to grasp the double standard, and realize that is the way that kids of that age group think. By the time she is grown up, and has some experience dealing with the results of her decisions, her morals and yours will be much closer together. : and most of all, I’m sad for her that she has developed these habits that : make for a lifestyle full of bad choices. I also feel guilty that I haven’t : noticed the sneaking around and stealing things before now, and that I have : been completely unaware of this "glamour girl" personae she has at school. : Any constructive input is more than welcome. : Rosebrook
Response:
I wish I had something to say that would help you. But I think it is part of the age. I am going through similar things with my 11yr old son. So i woul dbe intrested as to where this thread goes. My mom says that it is the age nd that he will grow out of it. I hope. Angie(Nick 11yrs, Sarhea 6yrs, & Kaitlynn(bugg)7mths) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >Hi! I am looking for feedback and input on my situation with my 11 year old >daughter. She is a bright (good grades – great sense of humor), talented >(honor band flute player), attractive (not being too partial) and fun to be >around. She’s outgoing and has many friends. She also has a long history >with me of lying. Additionally, she will take things –
Response:
"Another thing you might do is go to an underclass area, and find one of the local girls who wears too much make-up. Plant the idea in your child’s head that THAT negative image is what too many teens look like in make-up. " Elaine, What is this?? Go to an "under class" area?? This issue has nothing whatsoever to do with "class"..Most young girls of any class (and many adults too of any class for that matter) do not know hoe ot apply make-up and often think that more is better..I just cannot believe you said this..C
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